Written in Stone

I'm listening to Shinedown, wishing you knew, praying for rain...I want to feel your skin touching mine as I hold you and you sleep, like the beautiful angel you are. This song always makes me want to cry because it is so very true. So much about us makes me want to cry...guess it always will because it is so rare, so beautiful and so damned tragic. It is the tragedy in it that breaks my heart...but that is where the beauty is too. Behind every tear is something beautiful in our case. I am tired, sore and emotional today. I am remembering, too many pictures are bashing around in my head. I see you, I hear you, I feel you...every single moment of these past 8 months, of these past 25 years are echoing loudly in my heart and I can't breathe. I can't breathe! I can only reach and laugh and cry and PRAY! I know how blessed I am. I know that this love is bigger than my heart, my life, than everything. I would die for you tomorrow. I guess a part of me will always grieve for all that we lost, but in the same breath, the same moment, I will always be smiling and thanking God that this isn't some messed up trick my mind is playing on me. You touch me softly and I know it is no dream. You are here, I am here and we are living and laughing and loving together. It is as it should be and I sigh! I keep hearing him say all those things I thought...if you only knew. Oh baby, if you only knew...forget wasted time, time we can never get back. I hate that there isn't some time machine somewhere so we can go back, go back just for a little while, so I can tell you all those things you should have known a long time ago. So I can look into the eyes of the boy you used to be before people hurt you and broke you and cast you aside...so I can tell you how very much you will be loved for years, so I can tell you it is all going to end up RIGHT, that karma or fate or the Gods, will favor you in the end and the woman you love and who loves you more than life itself will end up right by your side. So I can tell you I am sorry. So I can make it right. So I can hold you and lay on top of that combine with you again. So I can tell you it was all a mistake. So I can save you from the years of hell and hurt you lived because you chose the wrong path. OMG, I could go on for days about all the things I wish I could do if only. I hope that when it is our time to leave this earth and we are given all knowledge and the answers to all our WHY questions you will know, you will be able to see how much I have loved you and hurt for you and how very much you are loved now...
I hope THEN you will know and my heart will relax at long last. I need you to know, even if it means you finally knowing long after we are dust. "It's 4:03 and I can't sleep..." I still have those nights, those nights when sleep can't' find me. I am sure it is the fear in me. The fear that the axe will fall, that someone will somehow take you from me, that he will find me and end it all, that I will never be worthy or right again. Despite all that fear though there is a tremendous amount of hope in me. Faith, yes, the kind of faith that moves mountains. I will die for you yes gladly, in an instant. I cannot live through losing you again. I don't think you realize how very true that is when I say it! After only a few months of loving you and losing you, I fell into a world no one could save me from because I was hell bent on my own destruction. I couldn't ever do that again and survive it. Not this time. No matter how emotional I get, you are right there loving me, trying to show me I don't have to be afraid of ghosts. I miss you...I love you...I am so very thankful we have THIS right now. We were given a chance to make it right...and we are, we are!!! I LOVE YOU my husband to be! More than this stupid old world, or this crazy old life. You are it! The Man, my man...
Love,
Nan