It's Magic

Do you believe in Magic? I do. I believe magic is all around us if we will only choose to see it and when I open my sleepy eyes and see him beside me, I am even more certain it exists. It exists and moves through me like a gentle rain, a whisper in the wind. I feel him in my soul and certainly a feeling so deep and pure must be akin to magic. The stars shine, the moon glows and he takes my hand in his...yes, Magic! We laugh the laughs we reserve only for one another and those times we are together, me and my Cat Whisperer. Friends tell him they have never seen him happier. I know I have never been happier. Magic...reserved for those who believe in the power of their dreams, in the reality of their most fervent wishes. Magic...what brought him back to me after miles and miles of lonely wandering and untold heartaches. I made a wish one bright spring day that some day he'd come back to me and with a touch, a gentle breath from Divine Love & Magic... all my dreams came true.

♥ Happy August 27th ♥ 27 years!!! ♥

♥The Proposal♥

I thought it was going to be an ordinary Sunday.  We were just going to go up to ACU and meet Christa for a photo shoot I won in the Ya-Ya Drawing.  We took the kids in order to make it a family photo session.  I was hot and tired from rushing around like crazy trying to get everything ready.  So off we went and we posed for picture after picture.  When I thought we were finishing up...everything changed.  Glenn looked into my eyes and started saying the sweetest things I have ever heard... "I have loved you since I was 19 years old..." I was confused and tried to shush him, pointing to Christa saying "But what are you doing?  Christa is over there.  We are taking pictures."  Then he got down on his knee and it all became clear to me.  This was it.  Glenn was asking me to marry him.  I started laughing then, trying hard not to cry.  Of course I said yes and he slipped a beautiful ring on my finger.  It is 1.78 carats of oh my gosh beautiful, 35 diamonds.  I have never owned or been given anything like it.  It is very precious to me.  The love of this man is the most precious of all.  I cannot put into words how it felt to be given this day, to hear his words, to have Christa capture it all in photos...it is the culmination of a lifetime of dreaming those kinds of dreams that most people would call hopeless.  I have to thank Christa for being Glenn's co-conspirator and helping him pull this off.  I have to thank my fiance for making it so perfect for me.  I think there is nothing more permanent and lasting than the written word and photographs...now my great-great grandchildren can look back and see those photos and say "See, this is when PawPaw asked Nana to marry him."  I love that.  I love that the everlasting love Glenn and I have always had for one another is preserved for generations to come.  What a glorious day!!!!

Invitations? CHECK!!!!

We found them!!!  The most perfect invitations in the world after MONTHS of looking.  Nothing we had found was just perfect until yesterday.  Robyn Love handwrites the invitation just as you would like it. Every swoop and letter, just perfect. Then it is scanned into the computer and printed onto linen cardstock. Each is then hand stamped with the design and shaded to give it the vintage flair. Then each is backed with super heavy black cardstock and slipped into a matching envelope that has a calligraphy return address.  They are so beautiful and look, to Glenn and I, like invitations someone might have discovered in Great-Grandmother's attic somewhere.  The fact that they are lettered and stamped by hand really suits me and my love for everything creative.  I cannot believe we finally found them.  I thought for sure I never would and we'd have to settle for an invitation that we just "liked."  It is all coming together and just in time.  I am so excited!
If you like these invitations, check out Robyn's Etsy Shop.  She has so much to offer and it is all so very beautiful.

Designs By Robyn Love

On your mark...get set...go!

It's almost here...AUGUST, the month when everything forges full-speed ahead.  We have to make our selections and get all the deposits paid and then it begins, all the little detail planning that will transform A wedding into OUR fairytale.  I am excited to begin...to get started on this leg of the journey.  I am trying to look at it all as this one big ball of incredible and enjoy each moment we have from now til that magical day we say I do.  Each little aspect of it will have its own story, its own part to play.  This is the next note to a very amazing composition.  We are creating it.  We are making it.  We are a part of magic in the making and this little precious composition will tell our story.

Photography Woes

I love, love, love working with Christa of Christa McClellan Photography.  Her pictures are amazing and so not cookie cutter style and besides that she is just an all-around amazing person.  She is this bubbly friendly, little thing who sets you at ease immediately and her pictures, WOW!  She certainly has an eye and a vision!  We have so enjoyed working with her and look forward to the shoots to come and those we will certainly book her for in the future.  I am very excited to work with her in all of our already scheduled pre-wedding shoots.  Thing is, Christa is a natural light photographer which isn't conducive to a night wedding.  The more GHC and I talk, the more certain I become that a large part of this will be happening when it is dark.  She cannot take her amazing shots in the dark.  I need a wedding photographer in Abilene but there are sooooo many to choose from.  Has anyone out there had any experience they'd be willing to share about the photographers in our area.  Maybe if I could get some info from friends it would be easier to choose one.  So, please gush over, recommend, or warn me of your favorite and not so favorite photographers in this town of ours.  If you are a photographer, feel free to toot your own horn, especially if your work is not the run of the mill classic style. I am looking for a photographer with spunk and with a vision, someone who is approachable and friendly, and someone who is able to completely capture the emotion and the love on the biggest day of our lives.  Can you tell our story?  If this is you or an awesome photographer you know, I wanna hear from you.
I'd so appreciate the help!!!!

I Could Not Ask For More

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

[Chorus]
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

[Chorus]

I could not ask for more than the love you give me
'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more.
♥Nan

Tattooed

I will follow you to death and beyond...

(Glenn and I will both be getting this tattooed in the coming months because no truer words than these were spoken.  It so fits us and this love.  It is written in Tengwar Script, as some of you might know, Tengwar is the script that Tolkien invented for the Hobbit and the remaining series of books.) 

J.R.R. Tolkien created many languages throughout his life. He wrote in one of his letters that the tales of Middle-earth (The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, etc) grew from these languages, rather than the languages being created for use in the stories.

Tolkien also created a number of different alphabets to write his languages - Tengwar, or Feanorian letters, is the one which appears most frequently in his work. The way the vowels are indicated in Tengwar resembles Tibetan and other Brahmi-derived scripts.

HELP!!!!!

Originally, Glenn and I wanted an outdoor wedding...we still do.  So many of our moments happened in August that we chose August 31, the day we reconnected after 25 years apart, to be our big day.  It so happens that in 2012, August 31 is the "blue moon" and since we truly believe that fairytale stories like this only happen once in a blue moon it couldn't have been more perfect.  We had already decided we wanted a night-time wedding.  There is nothing more romantic than pledging your eternal love and devotion beneath the stars with candlelight softly lighting the moment. So we have looked at two venues.  The first was the 181 in downtown Abilene, (the former Jordan Taylor building).  It is beautiful and has such old-fashioned charm right down to the tin ceilings.  Because I am a lover of old houses and architecture, I could not help but be drawn in by this place.  It has such a cozy atmosphere, I think any wedding and reception here would be lovely.  The only downside is that it is an indoor venue.  We weren't aiming for an indoor anything as being outside was the whole point but we both loved this place so much it actually became a possibility in our minds.  The second place we viewed was Lytle Cove Cottage.  This is a new Victorian home but they have taken great pains to give it a true Victorian feel.  It is amazing...right down to the hand cut fence, to the rose garden.  It is truly spectacular.  We love it!  I am torn.  Because they are totally different, it is a difficult choice to make.  Lytle Cove Cottage can include a weekend rental, you rent the ENTIRE house.  We'd like this because we can have our Rehearsal and Rehearsal dinner there and spend the night there on the night of the wedding.  We will proceed from our venue to our honeymoon destination the following day.  Other possibilities are certainly OLD churches in Abilene followed by a party at Mom's place for family and close friends.  I'd prefer a historic setting to any other venue.  There are old buildings that are certainly possibilities as well.  We also have the option of having the whole thing at Mom's.  In all I am stuck.  Cannot make up my mind.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saint Paul United Methodist Church

Church of Christ

First Christian Church

First Baptist Church

Lytle Cove Cottage

181 Event Center

181 Event Center

 

First Central Presbyterian Church

August 31, 2012

I have been thinking lately how it seems so very long until the day I finally say "I do" to the love of my life and a world of dreams comes true.  I was "encouraging" him to agree to a sooner rather than later date, but he is determined that August 31, 2012 is the day we will wed.  He says it is a miracle, a gift that few people find that we are here together now and we should honor it as such.  It should be the most perfect day of our lives.  I can't disagree.  What could be better than marrying this man on the same date we found each other again after all those years of wandering lonely?  And...it is a BLUE MOON!!!  That in and of itself will make it extra spectacular!  We met so many years ago and now here we are a little over 400 days til we get married.  That is the biggest and most precious gift of all.  I'd marry that man any day, anywhere.  Then I realized how fast this past year with him in my life has flown by...so fast, faster than I even imagined possible.  Days for me used to really drag by, I didn't look forward to new mornings.  I didn't look forward to anything.  The unhappier I was the slower the time passed.  Now I am unbelievably happy and I cannot see how it is possible that it has been almost a year already.  So it occurred to me finally, that although it seems like a lifetime away...August 31, 2012, will be here before I know it and I won't regret having waited for a day that is so special for us both in so many ways.  Some things are worth waiting for, believe me, I know.  I waited a very long time for one very special man and he is absolutely worth the wait.  Our wedding will be too!  I am sooooo excited!  Once in a blue moon...rare and beautiful.  Yes, that will be our wedding day...August 31, 2012!!!

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.It doesn't interest me what planets are square in your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed down from fear of further pain.I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving, to hide it, fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon in God’s presence.
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know, or how you came here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in empty moments.

For Glenn

This is just one of many poems I wrote for Glenn in the interim between 1985 and today but because this one is his favorite (he can quote it word for word, even after all this time) I thought I would share it here.  It isn't anything like the poetry I write today but it was so completely from the heart and expressed so completely how I felt years after we parted.

Sunny days and short hours
Turn to long, empty nights,
Without you by my side,
Nothing feels quite right.

Living my life without you
Will drive me crazy I know
I had you once but lost you
In my world, only memories flow.

You were the beautiful flower
that bloomed and grew in my heart
If I only knew then what I do now,
We would never have fallen apart.

There's so much I should have told you
So much you should have known;
The feelings that were oh, so true,
The love I could have shown.

But, my darling, I lost you,
All of my own free will
But if you ever call me back
I'll come running for you still.

How can I say the right thing
TO tell you how sorry I am
That I didn't mean to hurt you
Or to ever let you down.

Your love to me is most precious,
I hang onto memories few
No matter where tomorrow leads,
I'll always be loving you.

If we ever do meet again
And, once again, our love begins to grow
I'll hang on with all I've got
And never let you go.

Remember our love, remember it well
If our paths never do cross
Because, my darling, if you must know
I am the one that lost!!!

© Ruth Langford, 1989

Written in Stone

I'm listening to Shinedown, wishing you knew, praying for rain...I want to feel your skin touching mine as I hold you and you sleep, like the beautiful angel you are. This song always makes me want to cry because it is so very true. So much about us makes me want to cry...guess it always will because it is so rare, so beautiful and so damned tragic. It is the tragedy in it that breaks my heart...but that is where the beauty is too. Behind every tear is something beautiful in our case. I am tired, sore and emotional today. I am remembering, too many pictures are bashing around in my head. I see you, I hear you, I feel you...every single moment of these past 8 months, of these past 25 years are echoing loudly in my heart and I can't breathe. I can't breathe! I can only reach and laugh and cry and PRAY! I know how blessed I am. I know that this love is bigger than my heart, my life, than everything. I would die for you tomorrow. I guess a part of me will always grieve for all that we lost, but in the same breath, the same moment, I will always be smiling and thanking God that this isn't some messed up trick my mind is playing on me. You touch me softly and I know it is no dream. You are here, I am here and we are living and laughing and loving together. It is as it should be and I sigh! I keep hearing him say all those things I thought...if you only knew. Oh baby, if you only knew...forget wasted time, time we can never get back. I hate that there isn't some time machine somewhere so we can go back, go back just for a little while, so I can tell you all those things you should have known a long time ago. So I can look into the eyes of the boy you used to be before people hurt you and broke you and cast you aside...so I can tell you how very much you will be loved for years, so I can tell you it is all going to end up RIGHT, that karma or fate or the Gods, will favor you in the end and the woman you love and who loves you more than life itself will end up right by your side. So I can tell you I am sorry. So I can make it right. So I can hold you and lay on top of that combine with you again. So I can tell you it was all a mistake. So I can save you from the years of hell and hurt you lived because you chose the wrong path. OMG, I could go on for days about all the things I wish I could do if only. I hope that when it is our time to leave this earth and we are given all knowledge and the answers to all our WHY questions you will know, you will be able to see how much I have loved you and hurt for you and how very much you are loved now...
I hope THEN you will know and my heart will relax at long last. I need you to know, even if it means you finally knowing long after we are dust. "It's 4:03 and I can't sleep..." I still have those nights, those nights when sleep can't' find me. I am sure it is the fear in me. The fear that the axe will fall, that someone will somehow take you from me, that he will find me and end it all, that I will never be worthy or right again. Despite all that fear though there is a tremendous amount of hope in me. Faith, yes, the kind of faith that moves mountains. I will die for you yes gladly, in an instant. I cannot live through losing you again. I don't think you realize how very true that is when I say it! After only a few months of loving you and losing you, I fell into a world no one could save me from because I was hell bent on my own destruction. I couldn't ever do that again and survive it. Not this time. No matter how emotional I get, you are right there loving me, trying to show me I don't have to be afraid of ghosts. I miss you...I love you...I am so very thankful we have THIS right now. We were given a chance to make it right...and we are, we are!!! I LOVE YOU my husband to be! More than this stupid old world, or this crazy old life. You are it! The Man, my man...
Love,
Nan

A Love Letter to my "Husband"

Dearest “Husband”:
Victor Hugo, poet and novelist of the 19th century whose brilliant works include Les Miserables and the Hunchback of Notre Dame, wrote these words to his beloved, Adele Foucher…
When two souls, which have sought each other for,
however long in the throng, have finally found each other
...a union, fiery and pure as they themselves are...
begins on earth and continues forever in heaven.
This union is love, true love...
a religion, which deifies the loved one,
whose life comes from devotion and passion,
and for which the greatest sacrifices are the sweetest delights.
This is the love which you inspire in me...
Your soul is made to love with the purity and passion of angels;
but perhaps it can only love another angel, in which case I must tremble with apprehension.
There is no way to fully depict the enormity of his statement. How I wish I had been the one to pen these words but I must borrow them instead from a man whose genius is far greater than my own. You are to me the hopes and dreams of eons, before time was and before we were ever a tiny seedling of thought. I look at you, I see everything, and I know. I know! I want to scream it from the rooftop. I want to shout it out so the world can hear. What can I say? Could I say that you move through me like the torrent of a raging river; that this feeling is as subtle as an iceberg or a raging forest fire? There is nothing else, no there is nothing else! I feel you. Impulses shoot through me like fireworks exploding repeatedly. In every word, in every breath, I feel you, yet, I hide. Hide just a little… watching from my little view outside…waiting, praying fervently that this is no dream…that this is, in fact the eternity of which I have always dreamed. I cannot imagine it, how this has happened, out of the millions of people in the world, 25 years ago we found each other, lost each other, & somehow found each other again after all these years. Is it real or is it just a fantasy, some illusion my mind is playing, some hopeless dream. Can we walk these miles and live to touch, to smile, to breathe together? I know that nothing else is good enough, now that everything I am looks at you and sighs. I am already lost, I think I am beyond saving, beyond redemption, because there is nothing else, nothing else but you and moments, one little memory at a time and my world builds beautifully around me and the flowers bloom, the children laugh, and we live beneath the end of the rainbow. I cannot give anything else away…. how can it be that I have already given it all to you? How can it be? But I have! I have! Sunrise streaming in through the windows falling on your face, I see it and want to touch the light there. The light…that is what you are. You are light in all the dark places. You shine and bring light in places only darkness has ever existed. I cannot breathe. You are in the moonlight too, that magical, mystical moon that allows me to show a different face to you so wantonly and so freely. Come to me. I love the moonlight the best and I love to see it on your skin, illuminating you. Rock of ages…you are the rock I break myself against. You do not know, cannot know, what that means; how much that itself has told you. I have revealed the ugliness, the darkness, the broken shards that have cut me and sliced me and made me scream but how can you possibly KNOW what this means? You don’t know how I long to be with you and how I feel I could almost give my soul away if it meant I would have more nights with you, nights of clarity, nights of bliss, nights of rapture...and the days, one million days of standing by your side, working together, building dreams, a life, everything of which hopes are made. Can I say it? How I love you but somehow that tiny word does not capture anything…anything close to what lies inside, pulsating with life, with hope, with everything. Love, it does not begin to express how I feel. It is all there is, though there are no words to express it. I know you. I know you as I know my own skin, as I know my own laughter or that of my children. I look at you and feel everything… everything that was meant to be in the world, everything that is good, pure, and real. That is it. You still are the first and only real thing I have ever known…besides my children. It’s so real and although I ducked…you aimed for my heart and did not miss. Ask me and I would follow you to the moon just to hear the words fall from your lips, just to hear you say my Name, just to watch you breathe. Grow old, I find I could spend a lifetime with you and it would not be enough. So, that is what she means…I will love thee better after death. I could die in your arms happily; die tomorrow if I had but one more day in your presence…one more day, one more moment. We should not ever have to die in this life before we truly understand, before we truly touch heaven just because someone spoke to our heart in a language we understand. I understand you, and this knowing eclipses everything. I have never known another thing, which is why it never worked, that is why it was always an unanswered prayer. I have been waiting for you, all my life, waiting for you and until I found you again nothing else could have truly existed. Life has begun, I live, I breathe, and your name rolls gently off my tongue. You have changed me. Darkness is light. What is and what was... is not. Do you see that, how I will never be the same? You have claimed me, made me yours without even asking, you have and I am, hopelessly, completely, YOURS. Take all of me, yes. baby, take all of me. Leave nothing behind. You know that already, that I am yours completely with every thing I am and everything I will be. I am more because of you…more alive, more real, more…more… more. I am and you see the real me and accept wholly, but under your gaze I want to do more, be more, give more, live more. I want more of everything. I want to walk down the road of life and see it all, do it all, even those things I have already done. I want to do them all again with you by my side because that is how much you change things. Everything is new. I speak your name and my heart smiles. I speak your name and words like promise and hope and eternity come to mind. Words like I love you. You are god given, you are my soul, my heart…you, Glenn Henry. YOU!  You saw into my heart when no one else could and you believed in me. The darkness has faded and I have flown out of the swirling black abyss on the wings of the Phoenix, So I am going to spend the rest of my life living up to the faith you have in me. I do not have much baby, but what I have is yours. I am yours forever. I love you Glenn. Always, Eternally, for ages to comes.
Your loving “wife,”
Nan

Our Cake

When I was a little girl, my great-grandmother, Ruth Grisham aka Dommy, used to make my birthday cakes.  They were these beautiful things with soft, fluffy icing and silver bb's for decoration.  I loved those cakes.  Because we are using damask for so much of our decor, I originally looked for cakes that had a damask print on them.  Then, I happened upon a cake that instantly transported me back to my childhood and my Dommy's wonderful cakes.  I knew instantly that it was the cake I wanted.  I showed it to Glenn and he loved the simple elegance of it.  We are having a red velvet cake, with soft fluffy icing and we aren't forgetting the silver bb's.  It is perfect!

♥Mama, He's Crazy♥

I can't believe it is Mother's Day weekend and he proposed to me because if anyone knew how much my mother means to me and how much she has seen me suffer over the years knowing her hands were tied and she could do nothing to "save" me, they'd understand how much this changes things for all of us.  She has seen it all and hurt for me the kind of hurt I can only hope I never feel as a parent.  All the while, in her mind, there was Glenn.  All the years we spent apart, my mother never forgot him and never stopped believing he was the man I belonged with.  Of course, I always thought the same thing.  After all the horror of the past 6 years, her knowing that the right man was back in my life to stay, I think, is one of the best Mother Day's presents she has ever had.  And you know what, I cannot help but smile when I think of it.  I heard this song last night, hadn't heard it in years and I immediately broke into tears.  Posted it on my profile because it was so very fitting.  Now I am sharing the lyrics and these few words because I want people to know that the best day in my life didn't just happen to me.  It happened to four very precious children and a beautiful woman who has loved me more than life itself for all my life.  I love you Mommy and everything is going to be wonderful!!!!

♥Mama He's Crazy ~The Judds♥
Mama, I found someone
Like you said would come along
He's a sight, so unlike
Any man I've known

I was afraid to let him in
'Cause I'm not the trustin' kind
But now I'm convinced that he's heaven sent
And must be out of his mind

Mama, he's crazy, crazy over me
And in my life is where he says
He always wants to be

I've never been so in love
He beats all I've ever seen
Mama, he's crazy, he's crazy over me

And, Mama, you've always said
Better look before you leap
Maybe so, but here I go
Lettin' my heart lead me

He thinks I hung the moon and stars
I think he's a livin' dream
Well, there are men, but ones like him
Are few and far between

Mama, he's crazy, crazy over me
And in my life is where he says
He always wants to be

I've never been so in love
He beats all I've ever seen
Mama, he's crazy, he's crazy over me
And Mama, he's crazy, he's crazy over me

Mom's say the darndest things...

My mother is so funny. My aunt, Paula, showed her all the going's on today here on my FB page and she just called to say she saw it. Glenn is going to do the sweetest thing and ask my mom's "permission" to marry me in August when he buys the ring. I passed that along to her and she said, "what if I say no?" LOL, yeah this comes from the woman who has spent the past 25 years telling me "You should have married Glenn." And I spent the past 25 years answering her with, "I know Mom. I would have if I could have!!!" There is as much chance of her saying no as there was of me saying it...this man has been exceptionally loved for a very long time and not just by me...

Mother's Day - 2011

Train ♥ Marry Me

Forever can never be long enough for me
Feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way
Marry Me
Today and every day
Marry Me
If I ever get the nerve to say
Hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love
And you're beautiful
Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way
Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Promise me
You'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies

And marry me
Today and everyday
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Marry me
Mm-hmm...


(♥I will♥)

He Asked ♥ She said Yes!!!

Yesterday (May 6, 2011) was, without question, the best day of my life.  Glenn was working as usual and I was at home posting away on Facebook, checking out this thing and that.  At lunch I got a post on my page from him.  I thought nothing of it as we always post songs to each other and we had just found that particular song the night before.  I really thought he was just reminding me of it as we are composing a list of songs that we will burn onto CD's for our favors...turns out that was far from the case.  When he posted the song, Marry Me by Train I didn't notice the question marks at first.  I replied with a simple, "yep, this definitely needs to go on the list...so glad we found it last night!"  He must have gotten a little worried and he posted So?????? in the comments.  I, still not getting it, replied with a So????? What????  I had NO CLUE what he was getting at.  Once again, I responded..."I LOVE IT! And yes we need to add it!!!????"  Then in a msg we had going on privately after he returned from lunch, I asked him, "Why are you asking me so???"  He replied, "Look at the title."  It took me a moment, (though I will swear to you, I am a smart woman, an educated woman, and am not usually so dense) but then it hit me.  It hit me with full force.  He was actually asking me to marry him right there on my page for the whole world to see.  Sad thing was he wasn't even on Facebook anymore for me to give him the answer so as I am freaking out, I am also dying for him to come back online so I can respond.  My friends are all going crazy, so happy and excited, enjoying watching it all play out right in front of them and they are just as ready for me to give that answer as I am.  When he came back, I made him wait, but only very briefly as I was about to bust...then finally I posted my answer...

Mr. Chrisner, I will marry you! ASBO-freaking-LUTELY!!!! A million billion thousand times YES, I will...you are the love of my life.&.I have been waiting to say that YES for 25 years. YES BABY!!! Yes, I will!!!!

I have dreamed that dream a thousand times in my head all these years.  I was always too afraid to express it, thinking that, like a wish, if you tell anyone it won't come true.  The very first time I saw that man, well, that was it for me.  From that moment, like most young girls, I dreamed of one day being his wife.  OF course, I had no way of knowing then it would take 25 years for us to get to that point, but we did...here we are.  He ASKED and I said YES!!!  I had to sit by myself for a little while last night.  So many emotions were running through me, so many years of emotion had come up from the depths and crashed into my heart.  I cried.  I couldn't help it.  I remembered that girl I was and all the years we were tormented by being apart.  I remembered the day he got married and I thought I was going to die.  Then I smiled because this time he is marrying the right girl, the girl even he says he should have married all those years ago.  This time, we aren't kids.  This time, nothing can separate us.  This time, is our time.  He asked and the dream of dreams came true.  I am such a very lucky woman.

We're Engaged - May 6, 2011

Lady in Red

This isn't my first rodeo and I feel no obligation to wear the traditional white dress on my big day!  Not that I don't love the white dresses or the sentiment behind them...they just aren't "me".  Red and black are my favorite colors.  Black is my color of choice in most circumstances but I found a red dress that I love long before I found a black dress.  So, yeah, I am bucking tradition, doing my thing, and I absolutely love this dress. The train isn't too long.  The back ties like a corset.  What's not to ♥LOVE♥ about this dress?   It is going to be beautiful.

Waiting...

It seems funny for Glenn and I to be planning this fabulous wedding, to have hired a Wedding Planner, to have booked a Photographer and yet, we are not even "officially" engaged.  Glenn is waiting until August and his bonus to "pop the question."  He is buying the ring then.  The running jokes are..."Well what if he never asks?" - Me and "What if she says No?" -Glenn.  Both of us know there is zero possibility of either happening but still we joke about it.  I am waiting as patiently as I can because I know that it is going to be worth the wait.  Knowing Glenn like I do, it is going to be the most romantic, heartfelt, and beautiful proposal ever.  And just between you and me, the answer is going to be a huge "YES!!!"  I will keep you posted...

Written in Stone

Wow, this is different. I'm up writing you while you, hopefully, are sleeping peacefully. Just wanted to let you know how VERY, VERY special you are to me. You are truly an angel sent from above and I am so thankful for you. You have changed my life in such a way you will never begin to understand. Thank you for caring for me last night when I needed you so. NO ONE else wold have ever done that for me. All I can do is try my best to return all the love that you have shown me and I intend to do just that. Have to wake you up now to call your mother. Please thank her again for me. Also thank her for raising such a beautiful, thoughtful caring soul. I love you so much Baby.
FOREVER YOURS,
Glenn

I adore you. I know this sounds crazy but all those years we were apart I thought a lot about all those things that would happen to you, that could happen to you and I HATED knowing I would not be able to be there with you and for you when it did. Last night, I was really able to be there for you when you needed me and that was as important to me as it was for you. You will never face anything alone again...not EVER! If it happens to you, I am going to be RIGHT THERE by your side. That's just one of the things love is...it means never having to face things alone. You have already before I got here but you will NEVER have to do it again. I promise you that. I LOVE YOU!!!!
Nan

Glenn's Accident - Fingertip Severed

Thank you, GHC♥

This is the happiest time of my life, when all my dreams, those long held dreams are finally coming true.  The man I have loved forever is by my side, my children are happy and laughing, & I am safe and loved and valued.  But because of my past I struggle alot.  That other man's voice screams in my head far too often for my liking and I feel myself crumble beneath the weight of it all.  Having a child I share with him makes it all the more difficult because I cannot just completely erase him as you could in other situations.  I know I have given my scarred and broken self to a beautiful man though who will stand by my side as I heal and learn to trust in myself again, in that I have all faith.  He has been my light in the darkness.  He has helped me find laughter again...and so very slowly I am finding all the broken places in my soul and am beginning to make them whole once more.  When the darkness grips me, he holds me and helps me through.  He is my very best friend and I am more thankful to God for him than I am for most anything.  I have never known what it means to be loved like that by anyone other than him so it is fitting he is the one with me now.  I know he won't let me fall.  For that I say thank you.  Thank you GHC for holding onto me and for helping me get through.  Thank you for standing beside me on this journey, for walking with me, for holding my hand, for loving me so very much and giving me every reason in the world to trust, to live, to love again.  I love you!

Written in Stone

Years, I have waited to feel peace; I feel it now. Years I have waited to love purely; I love now. Saturday night was such a nice evening and it reverberates still in my mind and heart. I can still feel the touch of you, the softness of your skin on my lips, the passion and love in your touch. I let the memory wash over me and I feel you here. Yesterday I woke up feeling happy, happy to have slept by you last night, happy to have joined with you in such a loving way, happy that we are here together after all this time, happy for the time we spent together as a family on Easter. I wish I could somehow be more for you, but I am all there is and I can offer nothing more than that. I am no less than a woman, a “soft around the edges” woman who looks at you and listens to you and forgets to breathe. You are a sweet mystery Glenn Henry and I do so want to unravel your heart, to challenge your mind. I want to make you feel a million things at once and to know that I still inspire you.. Inspire me, you do. I close my eyes and I see a myriad of things I would like to capture, a thousand little facets I would like to express. In the glow of lanterns, I see a face and a soul that dances through me and I know I am captured. I would love to be here for always as your lone prisoner. I am here and I offer you my heart, hold it tight Glenn. It is solely yours. I need you...I want you...I love you!!!!
Always,
Nan

Easter Sunday - 2011

It Was Worth Every Mile

The roads that we've traveled
Ain't always been easy
Lord knows we've both seen our share
Of troubles and trials

It's hard to believe
We made it so far together
But just between you and me darling
It was worth every mile

It was worth every storm
We had to weather
It was worth all the evenings
We cried together
When the going got toughest
I could count on your smile
And looking back now I can say
It was worth every mile

I know you and I both had our doubts
That we'd make it
But deep in the back of our minds
We knew all along

That love's not for quitters
So we kept ours moving
Oh and I think you'll have to agree
It was worth every mile

It was worth every storm
We had to weather
It was worth all the evenings
We cried together
When the going got toughest
I could count on your smile
And looking back now I can say
It was worth every mile

And looking back now I can say
It was worth every mile

Hello. My name is Nan and I am a survivor of Domestic Violence.

As some of you are aware, I have been struggling with some very personal demons.  This nightmare comes from years of abuse from a person who claimed to "love" me.  Yes, I am a survivor.  I have endured a fractured skull, blackened eyes, more bruises than I can count among many other things that I will not now list.  It is enough to say,  I have known domestic violence intimately.  I have lived it.  I want to heal from it and this is my first step.  Admitting a thing, even one that has been unspeakable, is the first step towards healing.  So I do that now and open my heart to those of you reading these words who have experienced or are currently still living in that hell.  If you need to talk, msg me.  You're abuser wants you to believe you are alone.  You are not ALONE!  I am here.  I will listen.  I understand what you are going through.  This nightmare can end because we are much stronger than they give us credit for.  YOU are much stronger than you believe.  I realize that now many of you will quietly slip away, many of my so called "friends" will disappear.  I will not hold it against you but I am not sorry to say that your particular form of "friendship" is not one I need in my life anyway.  For those of you who love me, who are not afraid to be my friend, who send me your love and encouragement, I cannot thank you enough.  Hope is, after all, a thing with wings and each of you that hold me close to your heart have given me that.  You will never know what it means.  For courage's sake, I will say it again...
"Hello.  My name is Nan and I am a SURVIVOR of Domestic Violence and I will NOT be silenced any longer."
God Bless you all.

Written in Stone

Baby~
To say I love you is the understatement of my life. You have claimed my soul and I cannot begin to describe how deeply that changes me. I feel you everywhere and I see you in every single thing I look at. These past 7 months have been so dreamlike, I almost feel like I must have died and gone to some other place that is not of this world. It has been nothing short of rapture. You make me feel love in scores of ways. You took my very heart in your hands last night and you held it like it was a hallowed treasure to you, a gift of untold value. I felt it in the purity of your touch, in the passion of your kiss, in the intensity of your gaze. I feel it now and it courses through me, sweeping me along and taking me to a height I have never known. You are the rarest, most precious gift I have ever known and I often wonder how I could deserve such a thing as beautiful as you are. I reach for you Glenn, not just with my hands but also with all that I am and I offer myself up to you without reservation or hesitation. When you reach back for me, a sensation I have never known rages inside me and I feel in ways I did not know were possible. Tell me, my love, that you feel the same. I cannot wait until make me your own, you give me your name, I want you feel this love burn through you like it never has before. I have found my dream, my everything and there will never be anything else but you in the glowing. I would give up my very life for you. Tell me that when you look into my eyes, you know you have found the one thing you have waited to find all your life…real love and real happiness. Tell me that what was broken has been healed and what was lost has been found. You are my world and I would go to any length to let you know that. I came to you and in so doing, I found my pot of gold, I found my reality, I found my perfection. It is you. It is all you. It has ALWAYS been you! I love you and I thank you for showing me that real, true love does exist.
♥ Nan

Oh yes baby, I do, I do, I do!!!!!! You are everything to me. All I've ever wanted. More than I've ever imagined. I've never even come close to the way you make me feel. It's AMAZING. Just like last night was. It just keeps getting better and better. I love you so much. With all by heart, my soul, my being. I always have been and am!
YOURS, Glenn 

Remembering Not So Long Ago...

On September 1, 2010...I wrote these words to someone very special, someone I had only just found again...


"I hope your night was filled with all the beauty she does possess. Mine was, even as I sat and watched it all spin around me, crashing into the moon and scattering the stars. I was never so thankful for tiny little arms wrapped around my neck and the darkness ... when all the pictures in my head could calm and I could see them, piece by piece, bit by bit and remember without fear of falling into the depths. I am so glad to have found you although I will readily admit my emotion is on the verge of something. A catalyst is swirling and twirling and pushing and pulling DEMANDING I listen. I believe things happen for a reason, was it just that I searched for you and actually found you on this site...no, it is never that simple. You have your life I know and a woman in your life who fills it...I have my life and 4 beautiful children who need me, but somehow our paths have crossed again and for what reason we do not yet know but I remain transfixed, breath held, waiting, wondering and thanking God for the time I am given...to wait for that simple hello or that name upon my screen. There is beauty in youth and love, on that, you are no doubt wholly correct, but there is also an undeniable beauty in old love, eternal love, departed love and age...that time when we now know what we should have known and actually know we know it! When I said those words to you years ago, I meant them just as I believe those sweet words that pierced my heart, "I remain, as always, yours" are the truest spoken. To feel a love so deep after 25 years is something, but to add to that a lifetime in between and finding the waters unchanged is monumental. I am glad you are here. I am glad I didn't sleep, but instead spent the night with you close to my heart.
Hope your night was as beautiful."

It AMAZES me how very, very true these words were.  Amazingly enough, the waters are indeed WHOLLY unchanged between he and I... and the reason I spoke of not yet knowing, well, we very clearly know now that there WAS a reason for our paths to cross exactly when they did.  My friends, we are truly on the verge of something BIG!!!  I sincerely couldn't be happier!

Written in Stone

Hello, my love. Told you I wanted to write you and here I am doing just that. I know this past weekend was a tiny bit difficult at times but overall it was a great weekend. I love every moment I have with you, even those that are hard. I guess it is because the moments are with you and those are the ones that matter most. I cherish those. It isn't always going to be smooth and easy going, we are human, so it is inevitable that we are going to come across tough moments. What I want you to know is that despite the little difficulties I am so incredibly happy...so very content! There isn't anything else in this whole world I need besides what I have right this moment. You and my kids...yeah, that is more than enough for me! I love you so much and I am so happy. Baby, you really have no idea how happy I am. I am to that point I was at years ago, so happy and I really don't know what to do with it all. I lost you a long, long time ago and every part of being with you is such a miracle to me...I couldn't stand losing you again. I honestly don't think I could do it again. It is like right now, I need to hold onto you for all I am worth and not let go, not let you out of my sight or you are going to run away while I am not looking. Crazy, huh???  I don't know how not to be afraid, I have been messed over and told I am not good enough for anyone for so long I don't know how NOT to believe that is true. I want to give you everything in the world. I want to be everything to you, like you are to me. I want to be the best you have ever had, not just another in the line. I guess that is because that is what you are to me. Oh god, yes, I am terrified. Baby, I am trying. I may fall short, but I swear to you that there is no way on earth that anyone loved you more than I do. There is no way anyone else ever has. It takes some kind of huge love to hang on to someone for 25 years, the way I held onto you. I never once let you go. I couldn't. I am working on the broken places in me but I can't just make them disappear.  There will always be some residuals I am sure no matter how hard I work through it, some things that kind of always mess with me. I may always be hard on myself. Somewhere in my heart, I believe I am a good woman and I deserve happiness and am worthy of being loved. Somewhere inside me I believe I am beautiful. Right now, I just don't know where that somewhere is. What I do know for sure is that I love you more and more every single day and being with you like this is better than ANY dream I ever had. Nothing I ever imagined about being with you again was as good as this IS!!! I love you, I love you with everything I am, with every single thing inside me. I love you...YOU!!! God help me, I love you more than I could or will ever love. I didn't honestly know I had this kind of love in me...I didn't know it was possible. I know I want to spend the rest of my life loving you, being by your side. I know I am not half as good as you deserve, you deserve so much more than me. I know I am going to do everything in my power to be worthy of you, to deserve you!
Love Always,
Nan

Please know that I love you with all of my heart and I do understand how you feel. I know it isn't easy but together we will get past all of this. You are everything I've ever wanted and more. That woman doesn't hold a candle to you. You take such good care of me. I'm not used to that baby. All of those things you think you aren't, you ARE!!! All of those things you think you are not doing enough of or well enough, you ARE and then some. I love you so very much and I will NEVER let you go. Please try not to worry darling. See you soon.
Love, Yours,
Glenn

How I Got Here

The road has been long and winding, that's for sure...too damn long if you ask me, but somehow I made it.  Got here... Right Now...To that place I dreamed of so many years ago.  Don't ask me how I made it, I honestly couldn't tell you. Life  was ugly and dark, so very cold and lonely....a hell, of sorts, on earth.  I almost stopped believing.  I guess when they beat you down enough it is hard to believe or trust in anything except the darkness you have come to know.  When I was 16, I knew what love was.  I knew it because I was experiencing it.  I knew it because I felt it - instantaneously.  I knew it as surely as I knew the stars shown in the Heaven's.  Sad thing is, I didn't have the first clue what on earth I was supposed to do with  the enormity of that love.  So typical of kids who haven't got a clue, I let the "real" thing go and he married someone else.  I carried him around with me, like a crystal in my pocket, for 25 long years...the blackest years of my life. I married too, of course, but those weren't marriages made in Heaven, unions applauded by God.  I married those men who would seek to destroy the very best in me.  They didn't succeed.  I am not wholly destroyed and these pieces in me can be mended.  I am the girl with the broken smile.  I am the girl who is remembering.  I am the girl that laughs...TODAY!  Throughout the years, I would seek him out.  There was something in me that held on, as if for life, to that one man.  I loved seeing him; I made it a point to see him; I made certain he never forgot I was out there.  Funny, now I don't think he would have ever forgotten even if I had never made those efforts.  We'd look into piercing eyes and despite our life's circumstances... everything was written there in the kinds of words that cannot be hidden or denied, we knew!  We still loved, we would always love, we love now.  When I was growing strong, he appeared like magic on a page.  A simple request answered in kind.  Six months ago, I started walking a path that was my destiny all along.  I knew it.  I knew the time was now and it was...it is!  Despite our separation & 25 years of changing, I always knew somehow, some way, some day in time our paths would cross again.  On August 30, 2010...they did.  Amazingly enough, our very first encounter all those years ago, happened on a hot August day too...August 27, 1985.  There he was, on the screen and my heart was stuck in my throat.  Was this it?  Was this finally it?  I am here to say, it was...it is!  Today I share a daily existence with the one man I have loved for as long as I can remember.  In August, he will propose to me and I will say YES!  A hundred, a thousand, a million times... YES!  I didn't know it was possible for one human being to feel such happiness.  I didn't know Love could be so right and beautiful.  I am learning not to be afraid.  I am learning that I am valued for who I am.  I am learning how to live without being yelled at, without being as invisible as I can be.  I am learning what peace really feels like.  I am learning and slowly I am facing the sun.  This man was not afraid of the walls that kept me cloistered in safety.  He climbed over them and immediately set to tearing them down.  He is changing my life...and I am changing, blossoming, growing.  I am BECOMING!  My children are too.  They are learning things they have never known.  They are embraced by a man who wants to be a father to them, who loves them as if they are his blood.  I had forgotten what it means not to be beaten down in every manner of the word, but he is changing that.  He has changed everything about my life.  I never thought I was a lucky person.  Always felt like I must have done something really bad to have ticked God off so much...thing is, I never could figure out what it was.  I don't claim to be perfect, oh Lord, I screw up more than I care to admit but I never thought I was a stupid woman or a bad one.  Somehow, I generally ended up with men who thought I was and really wanted me to believe it was true.  I didn't know it was possible to be with a man and feel this way...happy, content, comfortable and at peace.  Just as I did 25 years ago, I finally feel like I am where I belong.  Some things are just written in the stars, "Meant To Be!"  Maybe you don't believe that, but I do.  I believe in destiny.  I believe lifetimes have passed and he and I have always been interwoven so completely that you couldn't separate that bond if you tried.  We always find a way to each other.  Somehow!  We are often amazed at how it feels to be in the presence of the other...how it feels as if 25 years never passed...and I think in a way, they haven't.  We have always been together...we have always been one, even if it wasn't a physical presence.  We have carried the other so deeply inside of our hearts that we were never truly apart.  I once only dreamed and now I LIVE the dream!  I will live this dream, gladly, until the day I die and I will do so holding this man's hand.

Hearts Are Breaking Across Texas

The words cannot express, the way you look in that white dress
I don't believe there's ever been such a beautiful sight.
All my dreams are coming true, that yellow rose ain't got nothing on you
Hearts are breaking across Texas tonight.

Chorus

And tears will be falling everywhere, as your lettin' down your hair
From cowboys wishin', that it was them holding you tight
Well that's the harsh reality, Id feel the same if you hadn't chose me
Hearts are breaking across Texas tonight
The lone star is shining bright above, and there's magic in the air
But looking deep into your eyes, I cant help but sympathize
For those who will never know, the kind of love we share

Chorus

And tears will be falling everywhere, as your lettin' down your hair
From cowboys wishin', that it was them holding you tight
Well that's the harsh reality, Id feel the same if you hadn't chose me
Hearts are breaking across Texas tonight
Yes Hearts are breaking across Texas
The words cannot express, the way you look in that white dress
I don't believe there's ever been such a beautiful sight.
All my dreams are coming true, that yellow rose ain't got nothing on you
Hearts are breaking across Texas tonight.

Chorus

And tears will be falling everywhere, as your lettin' down your hair
From cowboys wishin', that it was them holding you tight
Well that's the harsh reality, I'd feel the same if you hadn't chose me
Hearts are breaking across Texas tonight
The lone star is shining bright above, and there's magic in the air
But looking deep into your eyes, I cant help but sympathize
For those who will never know, the kind of love we share

Chorus

And tears will be falling everywhere, as your lettin' down your hair
From cowboys wishin', that it was them holding you tight
Well that's the harsh reality, Id feel the same if you hadn't chose me
Hearts are breaking across Texas tonight
Yes Hearts are breaking across Texas

He Said. She Said.

I like YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

♥Nan

I like you MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

♥Glenn

Like me more all you want because we ALL know I LOVE you the MOST!!!

♥Nan

Still waiting to see that thesis!!!!!!!

♥Glenn

I was personally notified by the scientists that I in truth love you the most ... all the tests have proven it

You are going to cry when it is published.  And here is that thesis!

Scientists Prove True Love Can Last Forever

Scientists have discovered true love. Brain scans have proved that a small number of couples can respond with as much passion after 20 years as most people exhibit only in the first flush of love.

The findings overturn the conventional view that love and sexual desire peak at the start of a relationship and then decline as the years pass.

In their search they discovered that Ruth Anne Langford has held her love so deeply for twenty five years for a Mr. Chrisner that she, in fact, loves him more. The research has proven that although Mr. Chrisner loves her, he does not love her more.

A team from Stony Brook University in New York scanned the brains of couples who had been together for 20 years and compared them with those of new lovers. They found that about one in 10 of the mature couples exhibited the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as people commonly do in the early stages of a relationship.

Previous research suggested that the first stages of romantic love, a rollercoaster ride of mood swings and obsessions that psychologists call limerence, start to fade within 15 months. After 10 years the chemical tide has ebbed away.

The scans of some of the long-term couples, however, revealed that elements of limerence mature, enabling them to enjoy what a new report calls “intensive companionship and sexual liveliness.”

The reactions of these long-term couples to pictures of their beloved were identified on MRI brain scans as a burst of pleasure-producing dopamine more commonly seen in couples who are gripped in the first flush of lust.

“The findings go against the traditional view of romance – that it drops off sharply in the first decade – but we are sure it’s real,” said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook.

 ♥Nan

 

 

You sure you didn't "doctor" the doctors findings????????

♥Glenn

Who me????????????????????????????

LMAO...I really and truly and positively DO love you MORE!!!

C'mon baby, you know it is true!!

♥Nan

I think not!!!!!!

♥Glenn

 

Oh baby, why don't you just come clean and admit it???  You saw the thesis, didn't you?

 ♥Nan

 

Wow, have had a really good day today. Have to run now. Talk to you when I get back. I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

♥Glenn