Written In Stone

Did you know that I fell for you the instant I first saw you?
♥Glenn

Many Rivers To Cross

I never thought of any of our communications getting back to her. This would be bad. Very bad. Feel free to come to the park and watch, from a distance, of course. I just don't think I can handle seeing you just yet. I do feel as if my heart is walking a tightrope and I'm afraid that seeing you would make me loose what little control I do have. It would make me feel good to know that you were there. I think I would be able to tell. I Hope your weekend is good and know that I will be thinking of you.
♥Glenn

Hello love. How are you this evening? I am ... here. Struggling as much as I was last night! You see, I heard it clearly in your message...the panic, the fear, the turning and I cannot bear it. I took what steps I could to vanish off your page, hoping it would ease your mind, but it was hard to do...to erase all those things that came from my heart to you. Still, I can't get your last message out of my mind. It is truly haunting me. It haunts me perhaps more than you did night after night these past few weeks. It is something I did NOT want to do...but I have. I have and I can see it. I have never felt so cold...or so sad. I am so sorry now that I ever came back into your picture, I have made you suffer, I have made you scared, I have made you worry. I have done these things, though you must believe I never meant to. I never wanted you to be hurt or to regret even for a moment that I was here...right now. That hurts me more deeply than anything, thinking and seeing that I have done that. I don't know what to do. This huge part of me is saying I need to disappear...vanish into thin air as they say and then you can get back to your life without me in the way! I fear you will look now at me as a source of panic and worry rather than a comfort. I cannot do that to you. On the other hand there is this part of me, that cannot bear to walk away from you...to turn away and slip into the darkness again. I cried a thousand tears last night and I will cry a thousand more because I am so terribly confused. I want what is best for you and it is looking like I am very far from that in your life. I wonder can my heart bear it? I wonder can yours? Can you so easily forget all that has been said here? I can't and maybe I am wrong, but I don't think you can either. Would it hurt you more to have me gone or to have me stay? You haven't asked me to stay so I cannot help but to think I should go, now, before it gets any harder to do so! Have I blinded myself to everything? Am I so lost I can't see what is real and what isn't? I believe all the things you have said. I also believe you love your wife and because you love your wife, I can be nothing more than a shadow. And because I Love You, I am okay with being that...or at least, I try to be. I now understand why I felt so scared when I wrote that long letter and why I felt like I was saying I love you for the first time, not knowing if you would say it back. it turned into fear for you...and now, you will spend the weekend worrying what might happen next. I wonder if you will be sad to see me erased from your wall or relieved? I would not and won't blame you if you feel relief. You live a different life and have a chance for happiness with the one you have. I should have never let all those feelings come out...I should have said hello and kept my heart closed...I am soooo sorry! Must go now, I just cannot think anymore. Will write more later...but know this, if you need to say goodbye...I will understand.
♥Nan

Well hello. Yeah, it is me again. I am thinking I am close to losing my marbles completely. If you see some of them rolling around around somewhere, please hang onto them for me. I am as nervous as a cat in a pitbull pen and that's pretty nervous!! I am terribly afraid of what tomorrow is going to bring. I am so afraid, after a long weekend of nervousness. fear, panic and such, you will decide you don't want to hang on to me. Maybe you will tell me letting go is the better choice for you. I don't want that to happen. I believe too much that this all happened for a reason...but maybe you can't let yourself believe that. Part of me thinks I know how you feel, but then part of me is so confused. I know you care so much for me. I don't believe you want to lose me...not now, not again. We have been apart for so long...so very, very long. I cannot imagine parting from you now. I will be taking Belle to town tomorrow for dance but will be back tomorrow afternoon. I hope to hear from you if you aren't too busy. I can imagine after having to take a day off you will have extra work to do. If you don't have the chance, I'll be here whenever you do. You can freely post to my wall. I will not post at all to your wall any longer. If you still want to communicate with me, I will just send you emails or post things on my own wall. I so hope this will alleviate some of your worry. Oh, love, I must sleep now. Thinking of you as always.
♥Nan

What is in our hearts is a voice that will not be silenced...it is undeniably there. It is in mine in such a way, I cannot turn my face from you. I will stand here, on the sideline for as long as I must, but I will not pretend I have no feeling at all. I can be very careful not to express it to you, so you don't have to feel the sting of it. However, after all that has been said, I don't think even my control on expression can take it all out of your heart. We can deny ourselves one another, we can try to deny the importance or the impact of the other, but we cannot undo those words we have expressed. I have heard it clearly as have you. I believe I know something of your heart and of your feelings. I feel very certain you know mine. I cannot make my ears not hear, or my eyes not see, or my heart not feel. I cannot deny you. EVER! If you asked me tomorrow if I love you despite all the circumstances surrounding us I would answer a resounding Yes! I do, I always have, I always will. If you asked me tomorrow to stay despite these circumstances and to ride out the rest of this roller coaster ride, I would without hesitation. It is hard. It is not going to take work. It is going to take patience and understanding. It is going to take love, real honest to goodness love and I have that for you. So if you wonder if I have the strength to endure this, yes I do. If you wonder if I could stand next to you tomorrow and smile in silence and have to walk away, then the answer is Yes! Absolutely. Some things in life are worth waiting for. Some things in life when they are real involve loving someone more than yourself. Some things in life are hard and painful yet at the same time oh so worth it. I do not regret having found you again. I do not regret the fact that you are committed to that woman for the duration. I refuse to have any regrets at the end of my life. I will not let you be one. I will stand here and play the hand I am dealt. I know what I am in for. I understand there may come a day, perhaps tomorrow, when you choose to let me go. I understand fully because loving you right now is a risk. It just so happens that You are a risk I will always be willing to take. I don't know if anything I just said made sense at all, but it is all I know to say. It is all I know to do. Now all I can do is wait and see where your heart leads you. I love you GHC all the way to Heaven. Goodnight!
♥Nan

Very sad to see your beautiful posts removed. Do not apologize for anything. No regrets!!! Your words may be erased from my wall, but never from my heart.
♥Glenn

Hello love,
Sorry I didn't have time to write you yesterday. I want you to know how sorry I am for causing you pain and stress these past few days. That is the last thing on earth that I would want. I'm so screwed up right now I don't know which which way is up or down. I know that I love her, as you you already know and I will see our time together to the end, whenever that may be. I love you as well Nannie and I don't want to lose you all over again. We have been through too much already. I do believe there is a reason our paths have crossed again. There is a greater power at work here. I can feel it as I'm sure you can as well. I still believe it's all about timing, but what do I know? I know that when I saw that you had deleted everything from my wall I very nearly broke down in tears. So very sad. Just know that I will always be here, in this forum for now, till the time is right. I will wait another 25 years if need be, although I feel it wont be long.  Get to feeling better soon!! Once again, I'm sorry for any sorrow I have brought you. Know that I'll be right here, where the heart is.
Yours
♥Glenn

Patience

Hello LOVE! How are you? I am writing and thinking and thinking and writing. You are on my mind, of course I would not expect this to be of any surprise to you. I enjoy hearing from you and certainly there are those times when I am dying to talk to you and must do something I am not good at...being patient and waiting for the time to come when we can talk, when you can write to me whatever lies within your heart and mind to share with me. Your words bring me such happiness, you have no idea truly how beautiful and bright they make my world. It is hard for me, as I said...patience is NOT my strong suit, but I am getting better at it. I will never ask you to give more than you can...I honestly believe you give your all and then some! It is not unnoticed or unappreciated.
I think in your own way you let me know that my fading into the background is not what you want. I hope you understand I do not want to do that...but I will not hurt you for anything in the world. I cannot bear to think that there might come a day when my being in your life brings you pain. I try not to worry but, as I said, I do not want you to be hurt because of me. I would never in a million years cause you harm intentionally! I do hope you know that and understand why I feel concerned. In the past I have brought you pain. I will never do that again. Do not let me be in the way in your life. If I am, let me disappear into the background and there you will find me waiting. If I am not in the way, then PLEASE, hold onto me and NEVER let me go and someday, when you are ready, make your way back into these open arms if you find me to your liking.
What if, LOVE, when you look in my eyes...or see me standing at a distance, your heart no longer beats for me as it once did. I am not the same girl I once was. I am not young, or skinny, and I have been wounded so much in life...I am a little fearful and closed. Trusting for me is not easy anymore. I am a lot darker somehow, inside. I suspect you already see that and anticipate it. In my heart I know for me, seeing you...will cause my heart to trip all over itself just like it always has.
I will never forget that day the kids and I were driving to the Mall to meet mother and you were playing golf at Cal Young. When I drove down the road, I saw you...I saw you and very nearly wrecked, well actually I almost came to a complete stop in the middle of the street and there was a car coming up behind me quite fast. I just started crying. You never even noticed I was there. You were talking to a couple of guys. I have not driven by that park since without looking for you! Mother actually works right down from the park at the Water Warehouse, so I drive by often! I haven't seen you there since then, but I cannot make myself NOT look for you! I know what will happen with me and inside me when I see you again, especially if I am as close to you as I have been in past years. Sitting near you, laughing with you, talking to you...it has not EVER been easy to be so close to you and keep myself and all that enormous feeling contained. It will be even more difficult now...but for your own sake, I will find a way to do just that. I will not allow my presence or my feeling to be a thing that hurts you! I will put on my mask and I will not say all those things in my heart because it would only hurt you to hear them with me so very close to you when you cannot allow yourself to experience those feelings or to voice them yourself. You will know just by looking at me.
Do you remember when we ran into one another at Slick's? You were playing pool and I was there with Brent, the big kids' dad? We met at the Pizza Inn a few days later...and you brought me home. Do you know, when I had to get out of your truck and go in the house...I was more than a little tempted not to go in the house. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted to jump in the truck and run away forever with you. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, walking away from you that night. All those times I have seen you since, I have only wanted to do one thing...never have to leave. All I have been waiting for is for you to one time, just one time...ask me to stay. I would, I would stay and never leave. Someday, before my heart breaks completely, PLEASE, ask me to stay! Please want me to stay, please need me to stay...I am waiting for that day!
Since we met, I have had but one dream always in the back of my mind, that one day we'd have that fairytale, get married, live forever together, have kids, the white picket fence, I actually always imagined us in Mom's house, you playing the violin... the whole shebang! Of course, we are old now...you don't play anymore, Mother's house is ash, we had kids with different people, we've never even lived under the same roof...but even now, I still have that dream in my mind...the dream of life with you. It has been with me for years and to tell you the truth, I believe, it always will be! You are as essential to me as breathing! I just don't want you to forevermore be a dream. Somehow, I feel nervous about saying these things to you...because you have not expressed such things to me and I guess a part of me is scared, scared like I am saying I love you for the very first time and the whole time I am wondering if you will say it back. Silly isn't it to feel such things at 41. For some reason, I wrote to you I was 42, I guess I forgot how old I am. I will be 42 before long though, but shhhhh don't tell. Most people don't believe me when I tell them I am that old anyway...oh! but I believe it. Funny how you bring out that nervous young girl in me. I forget she even exists until I am near you!
You didn't tell me love if you would like me to see you some day at the park...someday from afar. I would like to see you, despite how it would hurt. I think it would make me happier than it would hurt me and any tears I cried would be tears of joy! I am afraid though. So afraid, you won't still love me when you see me. Yes, you have seen my pictures...but in person, what if, what if you feel nothing. Can I still make your heart beat out of your chest Glenn? Can I still make you feel breathless? Can I still? I want to! I want to do all that and more...but...well, you know better than I, why I cannot! So you must tell me if seeing me is a thing that will be ok for you. I would not speak to you and no one but you would even know I exist...oh but I would see you and you would see me and WE would know!
Goodness, this is a long letter and it is early yet! I should go, I know I should. You may not even have time to read this much less respond to it...but I wanted to speak to you, (I have missed you greatly these past two weeks) I needed to speak to you. In the end though, I guess the only thing I want you to know from all this is that I love you Glenn and I ALWAYS have! I ALWAYS will! Sleep well my love. I will be here waiting for you, everlong!
♥Nan

Remembering...

Yep, got another thought (Hold onto your seat) about a girl, welcomed in to a small home by a beautiful lady. The lady kindly ushered that girl to a place unseen so she could hear the beautiful melodies of a boy and his violin. It is these things she never forgets... :)

I am thinking (I know, scary, right?) about a girl and a boy, sitting in Nelson Park both a little too high on something that was so much bigger than they were and a few other non-mentionables and they were happy, smiling, laughing, pressed next to one another. The music was playing on the radio (It's George Strait, I... am hearing)...an old white truck, and a lifelong memory. Then the girl sees what surely must be UFO's in the night time sky, the boy softly laughs and says..."Those are the reflections of the street lights in the windshield." LMAOOOOO

Say You'll Haunt Me

I loved you then, I love you now, I loved you every day in between, I will love you forever. You are one of the very few constants in my life and I will not let you go. "The heart wants what the heart wants". This I cannot change. I loved your poems, thank you so much. I have much more to tell you but will have to wait. I'll be out of town most of the afternoon but will write if I get back in time. Know that I love you and miss you terribly.
♥Glenn

The Answer

Blissfully sad,
Peacefully haunted
My muse leaves me
to knock at his door.
Standing alone,
I breathe deeply
to silence the beast
that beats so loudly in my chest
and wait for his answer.

©Ruth Langford September 20, 2010

Love Shines Eternal

With a candlelight existence,
They experience sweet comfort
And gentle truth only through
The rain that unconditionally beats
On the windowpanes of their hearts.
It is a whisper in the silence
A light in the dark
A song on the wind
And for them, it is enough
Until those nights when the constant
Drumming turns to torment
And they reach for that one thing
They cannot have...yet.
The shattered fragments of regret
And unspoken desire crash to the floor
And they hold their ears, lest their heart
Fall apart completely.
Such sweet misery, such dear torture
Cruel and kind in the same measure
As they each remember the kiss,
The touch, the heartbeat of the other.
Finding the insanity unbearable.
They find solace in promises on a screen
And in the meanderings of haunting lyrics,
Those things they wish for in the night
Are those things that remain in the light of day
Fragile and weathered things
That remain long after the dust has faded
And floated down to coat them both.
Those are the things they breathe for
And fight for and die for.
Those are the things that make the promise
Of tomorrow bearable.
On the shore of destiny
They will once more meet
And they will find that in that joining
The stars shine brighter, the moon grows fuller
but there is certainty in them both
That every step from then to now
Was worth it.
That every tear shed
That every single prayer
Was answered with one gentle embrace.
For in the midst of darkness
Love shines eternal!

©Ruth Langford September 20, 2010

People Are Strange

Hey love! How are you? At 1 in the morning I reckon you are sleeping. Me I am a tad pissed off because I cannot find the full People Are Strange documentary to watch on You Tube. I was getting all into it, loving it and then POW, can't watch anymore because of copyright stuff, so now I am desperately trying to track it down so I can finish my movie and be satisfied, LOL. I do love the Doors. It isn't anything really so much to do with Morrison as a Rock God, it has more to do with his mind, his brilliance and his insanity. When we get to modern poets, I am actually going to have the kids study some of his poetry. (Yes, I know I am a poetry junkie, always will be!) His writings really are that good to me. I would like my kiddos to experience them, even some of those that would take me ages to figure out when he must have been tripping really hard are worthy of study........
So I just realized what I was doing...once I get started about something I love so much, I forget sometimes to shut up. Not everyone cares about these things like I do and certainly not my opinions on the matter. Sorry about that darling, I was off in my own world. Did see lyrics in a song today though that said "just like a poet needs the pain..." Maybe, just maybe that is why I write. Most everything I have ever written comes from pain, either a bad kind of pain or a good kind. My poems for you come from the good. I have so few poems on here, but I literally have hundreds. You would be shocked to see them all. Most are very, very dark but I think you would be able to read them and not just understand that side of pain in me but to love me despite the pain and the places that brought me to that darkness. From out of the darkness...into the light. Yes, that is what you are!! LIGHT!
I am glad you had a much better weekend (I think LOL) That seems funny to say that. To tell you I am happy you were happy this weekend...but I cannot bear to think of you in pain...so I am happy that the weekend was good. I am thinking maybe one day I need to see you play that disc golf game of yours. But don't ask me to try it. I hurt people with frisbees (discs). LOL I would hate to permanently scar you or cripple you for life or something. Then I'd just have to make it up to you by taking care of you for OH, I am thinking forever might do the trick.
I missed you today and hated that I was away so much of it. But I will be here tomorrow and maybe we can spend some time together. I loved the quotes you sent. I love the music. Everything you send from a song to your sweet goodnight's means so much to me. They have all been colored with a very true love and that makes them all so beautiful, beautiful like you! Funny how the simplest things can be transformed into magical and wondrous things just by coming from the right person. My world is truly magical with you in it. The only thing missing is the body that goes with the heart...but I will wait. It is definitely worth it.
So many people say to me, you are so beautiful...yadda, yadda, yadda and I think to myself you must be freaking crazy. I even had one guy tell me he'd give up one of his kidneys just for a chance with me, LMAO!! I look at myself and think WHAT? I am 42, getting wrinkled, had four kids via C-section no less so I am not the skinny little thing I used to be...but I am beautiful. I only needed to look at me through your eyes to see it. I think that tape player in my mind of that man in my nightmares was very loud til you. You drown him out completely. All those negatives, all that darkness just fades and I know I am beautiful and I am worthy and I AM LOVED!!! I am all those things to the one person that really matters. It changes me, you make me a better me...at least I am remembering who she is again and who she wants to be. She wants to be with you and live out her life and just be! BE happy. BE warm. BE loved.
Gosh this is turning into a long one. I always worry that maybe I write too much or post too much...but somehow, in my heart I think you love it...even if it hurts. So I keep writing and I keep posting things to you on my wall AND yours. I have to Glenn. I have to speak to you in my own way from my heart. You know what...and I am serious when I say this. In all our years apart I have never met a man who understands me, my heart, or what it says BUT YOU!!! I know you do. I know when I write a poem for you you are going to understand it and feel it and know that it really is my heart speaking to you. I have written poems for very few people. You, good ones all...a few friends that lost their children, the man I am with now, very dark poetry and really I think that is all. Oh, no I have written poetry for my Mom, about my grandfather and about my cousin who drowned. So yeah. There you have it. You are it baby all the good in my life that wasn't family comes from you into my poems. Except for Denise. She is my friend on here (I have never met her in person.) Her son was killed in a horrible fire. I wrote poems for her, it so broke my heart. I couldn't do anything else for her but write and I wrote alot to her. Those, I have been told, and my writings to her letter-wise got her through. She used both of my poems for his memorial service and I was more than humbled that she did that. So I guess, there was a good that came to someone else through my heart in my words and that is a good thing. See maybe with you in my life I might just have the heart to share my words with someone else than just friends and family. Maybe I will know it is ok and I am safe and I can bare my soul! I am safe with you. I am HOME!
Well I should go, this is going to take you a day to read as it is. You are with me, now and always. Goodnight love. Sleep sweet!
ALWAYS!
♥Nan

Written In Stone

Hello!! Just have a minute to write to you, it's been awfully busy here today even for a Monday. Was grilling some ribs yesterday when it started raining and thought of you. Wondered if it was raining where you were. Sorry I missed you Friday, I just stepped in to check on a parts order. Hopefully I'll have a little more time tomorrow. Hope you are well. Till tomorrow.
YOURS
♥Glenn

Hello. This will be short as I must sleep and soon. Have such a busy morning ahead. I will be thinking of you though as I have every moment of every day since I found you here. I'm sorry today was such a tremendously busy one for you. Maybe it will slow down this week and you can catch your breath. I know my Tuesday and Wednesday will be really busy as well as Friday morning...but I will be with you every chance I have. I guess you know that though.
I too thought of you when the rain clouds moved in. I wondered if you thought of me...and...you did! I hope you had a better weekend. I hate to think of you so lonely. I hate to think of you in silence. I am sorry you must endure it. I am sorry for us both that we carry these weights upon our shoulders and seem almost damned to "do the right thing" at least til it ends of it's own natural course, especially when our hearts scream so loudly for the light at the end and a once in a lifetime love.
I hope you enjoyed the little story I wrote. It was a dream I had over the weekend. I loved that dream so much, I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want the reality of my life to crash into something that was so beautiful, but it did. It saddened me greatly but I am glad I had it because I got to feel that happy for awhile.
I have missed you terribly and will be very glad when we can talk. Soon, I hope. Until then, I will be right here. Have a good night love and a wonderful day. xoxo
All My Heart Always
♥Nan

Walking In The Rain

And there he was, standing in the rain, shaking his head.  Apparently he forgot his jacket but, then, so did she.  She dared not breathe, she dared not move.  She didn't care that the rain was soaking...and cold. She didn't care that she was shivering.  She hadn't seen him in so long.  She knew early that morning when she woke up to the sound of rain on her window, that today was going to be the day.  She couldn't make her heart wait anymore.  So she got out of bed and paced, back and forth turning it over and over in her mind.  She needed to wait until he would be leaving for the day if she was to have any real chance of seeing him.  So she paced some more and found a million little things to pick up and put down again.  She waited and time very nearly stood still or at least to her, it seemed to.  Finally, the time came so she got herself as ready as she could for this moment, the moment she would see his face again.  She took her time, listening to 1959 on her stereo as she drove to town.  The tears fell as steadily as the rain on her windshield.  She parked across the street, opened the door to her minivan, stepped out and waited.  She waited til she saw the opening of the door and the men file out one by one.  At first, she didn't see him, and thought with great dismay that maybe she would miss him, maybe he hadn't gone to work that day, maybe he didn't even work there anymore.  Still she stood, her silent vigil, holding her breath, refusing to give up until she was sure.  He was the last one out.  She watched as he locked the door behind him and sighed a great deep sigh that resonated somewhere inside her soul.  She couldn't help but smile as she watched him shake his head as the raindrops began to coat his skin, by now it was raining harder.  She stayed still, not wanting him to notice she was there.  But as in all their time together, even though years had passed, he was somehow attuned to every thing about her.  He always sensed somehow that she was near.  He stopped and looked puzzled at the sky ahead of him and then, smiling,  he turned his head and saw her standing in the rain...waiting, watching.  They stood like that, eyes locked, hearts pounding for an eternity it seemed.  She broke the silence by shouting...I told you we walked together in the rain.  He closed his eyes at that, and turning away from her, he beckoned her to follow.  Every step he took, she stayed just one step behind.  The tears fell freely down their faces but they smiled.  Soaked to the skin, neither of them felt the cold or the sting of the raindrops beating mercilessly upon their skin...all they knew was that for this moment, they walked together.  TOGETHER!  It was a feeling that warmed and radiated deep inside where nothing could dwell but the love they shared.  Nearing his home, he stopped.  This would be the end of their walk together.  He held his hand up to her and trembling but sure, she reached for it, grasped it with all her heart.  They stood that way for a moment as the world rushed by around them, neither hearing or seeing anything but that moment, those hands, that love.  For them both and for that moment it was enough.  They said no words, none needed to be said.  They knew already.  Letting go of his hand she turned and he turned and they continued the rest of the journey...each knowing they would never walk alone again...love walked with them in the rain.
©Ruth Langford, September 13, 2010

And We Speak Thru Music

That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
♥Nan

Since the moment I spotted you,
Like walking around with little wings on my shoes,
My stomach's filled with the butterflies,

Ooh, and it's all right,
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud,
I'd got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down,
If I'd said I didn't like it then you'd know I lied,

Everytime I try to talk to you,
I get tongue-tied,
It turns out that everything I say to you,
Comes out wrong and never comes out right.

So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and take on the world and be together forever,
Heads we will, Tails we'll try again,
So I'll say why don't you and I,
Hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven,
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in.

When's this fever going to break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take,
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around,

Ooh, and it's all right,
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud,
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down,
If I'd said I didn't like it then you'd know I lied.

Everytime I try to talk to you,
I get tongue-tied,
It turns out that everything I say to you,
Comes out wrong and never comes out right.

So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and take on the world and be together forever,
Heads we will, Tails we'll try again,
So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven,
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in.

Slowly I begin to realize,
This is never going to end
Right about the same time you walk by,
And I say 'Oh here we go again',
Oh!

Everytime I try to talk to you,
I get tongue-tied,
It turns out that everything I say to you,
Comes out wrong and never comes out right.

So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and take on the world and be together forever,
Heads we will, Tails we'll try again,
So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven,
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in.

So I'll say why don't You and I,
Get together and take on the world and be together forever,
Heads we will, Tails we'll try again,
So I'll say you why don't You and I,
Get together and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven,
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in.
♥Nan

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
♥Glenn

How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb.
Without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.

(wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can’t wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can’t wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I’ve become.
♥Glenn

Time After Time

Hello there sunshine. I so missed you today but i love all the songs you sent me. So nice to find them there waiting for me when I woke up. I was and still am (if you can believe it) beyond exhaustion. AT least I feel more than a little confident I will sleep tonight. I desperately need it. Since we started talking, I have been able to sleep around 3 hours a night...not enough for a way too busy Momma. I hated to spend the day away from you and the comfort you bring but I couldn't go anymore. I dreamed of you though and that was such a nice thing I almost don't mind.
I hope your day was wonderful. I hope your night is tolerable. I look forward to tomorrow...with you!!! I could tell you missed me too today and that left me with a very nice feeling in my heart, thank you! It still warms and comforts me even now! I know we both are tremendously touched by the other and I am glad I am able to bring light to your life and extremely thankful for the light you bring to mine. Tomorrow is Friday and I will not let it pass by without sharing with you. The weekends are always so long and cold without you.
I want you to know I am always here, if you need to talk, you know? ALWAYS. I so wish the rain hadn't gone away. I love rain and it so fit my heart. It fit yours too so we walked together in that rain, heart-to-heart and hands clasped, but world's apart physically. It was beautiful to feel you there, even as my heart was breaking. I feel you are with me always and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Thank you for that. Thank you for holding me in the dark.
I am going to go ahead and go to bed now. I am tired and because I am not feeling at all well today, I think I should rest now while I feel I can. I hope I am not getting sick or that my BP hasn't gone haywire...but if I am, or if it has...I will think on you and smile til I feel better. Goodnight Love.
Til tomorrow!
♥Nan

Together We Walked...

There is an ache down deep in my soul that cannot be healed. No matter what happens down the road, know that you will always be the love of my life.  There are no real words for the way I feel so I will leave it there...You will ALWAYS be the LOVE of my life. Love this rainy night and am going to bed now, walked all I can walk tonight in the rain and I am so very tired now.
♥Nan

Good morning, darling. Walked home from work in the rain yesterday thinking of you with every step. Couldn't help wondering if we were walking together?
♥Glenn

Every single step of the way...
♥Nan

Like A Stone...

Another night of silence in my home last night. Barely a few words, no smiles, no laughter. No love? I just don't know anymore. Our life together is winding down, like a tired old clock, and has been for a very long time. This is my pathetic existence, but I must see it through, till the clock makes its final chime. I'm sure of which will soon be forthcoming. This is the same woman of whom you inquired, and I will tell you why, why I feel an obligation to her. There is reasoning behind my madness, but this is a very long story best told another day. Guilt is a very strong word and I should not have used it. I do not feel guilty for I have done nothing wrong. "The heart wants what the heart wants." The only pain that I feel is the longing in my heart for you. So, my love, do not be sad for me, for I feel no sadness. I look forward to your comforting words every day, like a man dying of thirst looks to water. You fill my heart with warmth and my soul with light. I too have looked for you over the years. On facebook, you tube, even at Classmates.com. They think I'm a graduate of Clyde H S 1986 there. Stupid me didn't know how to spell Anne!! So darling, this has changed nothing as far as my situation goes. If anything you have helped me remember who I used to be, what I want to be once more. I am so thankful that you found me, because I was searching for you all along.
Yours
♥Glenn

I forgot to tell you how many, many times I have driven the back way to Clyde over the years. To many to begin to count. Every time I'd have a service call in Clyde, nights when I was feeling lonely. I once pulled up in the driveway to your mothers house just to catch a glimpse of it. One night I ran out of gas at 2:00 in the morning and spent the night in my truck not two miles from your mom's house. I've driven to Clyde at night and parked for a while in the parking lot of the high school where I would meet you sometimes.
Just thought you should know.
♥Glenn

If I am sad for you in anyway, it is now the sadness of a woman who knows your life, who sees clearly what you are going through. It saddens me because you deserve so much but this, this is NOT it. I know one day you will explain your madness to me just as I have tried to explain my own madness to you. I am willing to bet I will come closer to understanding it than most people the world over. That might be because of the situation we both are drowning in and it might be simply because I know YOU, the man. I cry for you already.
It was such a comfort to me to get your letter. My only regrets are that I was too emotional to respond to you then and that when I calmed down, I couldn't write. It had to wait til tonight, til now when the world is fast asleep and I am here alone with you. I was so terribly afraid you were hurting and it was my fault. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't. The last thing on earth I ever want to do is hurt you, EVER again. Your beautiful heart, your precious soul I cherish above all things...to hurt it, I just can't. I would have walked away from you if I believed it would make your life better no matter how much it would have killed me to do so. It would have knocked the life right out of me and just the thought of it was doing that very thing. I don't want to ever lose you again. I just found you again and after waiting a life time it seems, I was ill prepared to let you go. Since reading your words, I now understand I am not hurting you. Despite the pain of our having to be apart, I bring a little life into your gloom, just as you have shined a light in my life and washed away all the darkness. There will be nothing to part me from you, save you yourself. If you ask me to let go, I will...but ONLY if you ask me to and even then, it would be excruciatingly painful. It would be very much like a death inside. Knowing that I am bringing happiness to you, despite the pain, makes me feel....ALIVE! So in the darkness, you and I live, love, and breathe together. Together we will make it thru these hard times.
I hear the crickets outside my window...it makes me remember the night. You and I together beneath the stars. I am very touched that you have been looking for me all these years too. Do you know that for a great many years I lived right across the street from the High School. How many nights were we there under the same street lights longing for each other? How many times did I happen to be at mother's house when you drove that way? What might have been if you had walked to mother's house that night you ran out of gas. I lived with her for a bit of time as well. We will never know why fate chose this moment...but I feel certain it is destined. I will not question. I will simply follow. I was looking for you all along as well. I thank God every day I found you. I thank God every day for you!
Someday soon both of these hearts will be free and when mine is, it will fly straight to you!!
For now we will soothe our hearts with beauty and love and music, the kind that exists in love like ours. It is far deeper than the surface though some call me gushy, they have no idea I am speaking to you, to that place I belong. What we speak to one another is like a winged prayer, one heart's whisper to another. Do you hear me calling to you? Even now? I am following the stars and the one light that always shines the biggest and the brightest. I will follow that light for the rest of my life, my beautiful North star.
So my love, we have reached an understanding. Your heart for mine...in time, all in time.
ALWAYS and FOREVER,
♥Nan

The Long Nights Ahead

Tonight has been very long for me. It isn't that it has been bad or that anything terrible has happened, it is just that when the light shines in your life, it is difficult to face the coming morning of darkness. It is a joy to me to wake up now in the morning and spend what time I can with you. I look forward to it! I cherish it. Friday coming, well let's just say, weekends aren't my favorite. I miss you, I guess that is what it all comes down to. but i will wrap myself in dreams tonight and hold you close. Sunday will be the hardest for me...the anticipation will kill me, but oh, come Monday, I have no doubt my smile would light the night sky...just because you are here in this little place with me again. I love you so much Glenn...it isn't even possible to describe. I too am going crazy - losing sleep, wishing and wanting, tossing and turning, crying inside for so many reasons, turning it all over and over in my mind, and following my heart. I understand all about seeing the reflection...you are everywhere. Here and not here and that is the most difficult part...to have you so close but too far to touch, too far to begin, too far to say I'm falling please catch me. I opened up the door and it all came tumbling out and there is no going back to silence, to holding it inside, but you can't catch me --- you can only love me from afar. We can only wait and pray to God we don't run out of time. I have done it for years, but suddenly the wait seems unbearable...because you are here, right here and I am fully aware of what is standing in front of me, of the promise, of the truth, of you. I can't get you off my mind. I can't somehow get you out of my heart. I never have been able to do that and I never have wanted to. I don't want to lose it...I don't want to lose you. Not now, not ever. I just...want you. I know you feel the way I do. We feel so much but it is as if we are locked inside some prison and we must break free before we can be. I want these chains off of me. I don't want my life to pass by without having held the love of my life in my arms and built the life with that man I have spent my whole life dreaming about. Nothing worth having is easy they say and I know they are right. You are definitely worth having and in no shape, fashion, or form is this easy. Just know that I will hold you close every second of every day in my heart until the day comes that I can hold you, with no barriers and no screens, for life. Goodnight my love...
I am always and forever, Yours,
♥Nan

Well, this long torturous Saturday is coming to an end. Finally! I think is quite honestly the first time in my life I have ever looked so forward to a Monday. I hope your weekend has been a great deal less tormented than mine, though I suspect if it has been less, it is only the tiniest bit so. I have made it through though, one minute at a time. The clock must be tired now of my constant attention.
Tonight is a lovely night and I have spent the better part of the day thinking about the night, nights long ago spent with you and how the rest of the world seemed to fade away and the only thing that mattered was being by your side in the dark. I was never scared of the dark when you were beside me. You know that old combine was my favorite place in the world. There are very few people on earth that ever shared that place with me...you are the only man that ever did, save one. That place was my hideaway, my escape, my sanctuary. It was only natural that I would share it with you, as you shared everything in me. When my grandfather passed away my grandmother sold off everything, including that combine. The loss of that was nearly as devastating to me as the loss of that great man. Everyone laughed and ignored me when I pleaded with them all to let me buy it. "where would you put that old thing? what would you do with it Nannie, drive it?" they would ask in a mocking, teasing way way that made me cringe and want to cry at the same time. I would have put it wherever I was, so it could sit there in the night like a monument to regret waiting for you to join me there beneath the stars again.  Funny, but sometimes I look for combines, old ones, broke ones, I don't care...just one I can put in my yard somewhere, so I can climb up on top, lay back and remember that love really does exist...it exists for you and me, even after all these years. It does you know? It does exist and it matters. There is a chapter, in my life, that has been waiting to be written for 25 years and I intend fully to write it. It is without a doubt the best part of this book. Just so you know, I have thought about you every minute of this day and I miss you. I can't wait for Monday. For now though, I am going to try again to sleep.
♥Nan

It is early in the day and I am writing you, fighting the urge to stare endlessly at the clock. What a long day it has been. I slept a little last night which is an improvement I suppose. At least I don't feel quite so much like the walking dead now. I look forward to tomorrow and a little hello. I have tried to keep my words to a minimum this weekend because I didn't want you to come back to an abundance of words you had to work your way through. I'd much rather have conversation with you as we can.
Other than lack of sleep and the terrible ache of missing you, I feel wonderful. It has been a most exceptional gift for me to have found you again, to share with you all of our hearts and heartaches. It is a comfort to me to know that you and I are on this journey together and that the end of this long walk alone will someday greet us. 25 years is a very long time to walk alone in the wilds. I hope someday to share the night with you, the night in my heart. To bathe in the stars with you beside me. To take it all in and thank God for the moment, in silence and with hands joined. Side by side. I'd like to go somewhere with you. I don't know where, I just know I want you to be there with me. I want to experience you again. I want to experience "us" again. I rejoice in what we have right now. I take heart from your words and find that there is a light that shines in you....right into my soul. How can I get you off my mind? I don't believe I can. I worry for you. Worry that what is happening here between us might bring you pain because I know what kind of man you are. In loving me, there is a little or a lot of guilt. I hope there is no regret. I wish there was no guilt, we simply are what we have always been and there could be no changing it, even if we had wanted to. You cannot blame your heart for what it feels. You aren't in control. Someone bigger than both of us knows what He is doing. If there were not a reason for us to be together like this right now, we would not be. I accept that fully. I trust in that fully. I am thankful for it with every fiber of my being. I don't know where God is leading us, but I do believe every step we have taken from our yesterday to today has been a step to lead us here. To you and me, to finding our rest of the story, to peace. I will not diverge from this path. I couldn't even if I tried. My heart has always led to you and it always will. You were never meant to remain a question of what might have been. The answers are coming...I feel it. I hear it. This screaming cannot be denied. You will NOT be denied. I rejoice and the world rejoices with me, what a gift you are. Neither of us want to throw away what we have in one another. Neither of us want to step off this path. Neither of us want to turn our backs on what is coming.
Oh I long for Monday. Will it ever get here. I miss you!
Will be back maybe tonight to write again, but if I am not, you will be with me every second as you have been all the days til this.
Always and Forever
♥Nan

Satisfied

If I fell at your feet
Would you ever notice me?
Hey, baby, would you just
Pass me by

If I were hurting in the deep of the night
Would you come
And make everything right
Hey, baby, would I have to ask you why

Let me in mama
And we'll take it real slow
I'll show you things
If you just let it go

Give you my money
Give you my time
Give you anything to make you mine
And all I want is to keep you satisfied

Let me in mama
And we'll take it real slow
I'll show you things
If you just let it go

Give you my money
Give you my time
Give you anything to make you mine
And all I want is to keep you satisfied
♥Glenn

The Abyss

And she drops away into the darkness, the swirling black abyss, where the pain cannot touch her, where she can forget and let the nothingness fool her into believing she is safe. She remembers the moment the white hot light shone through the gray, how it came to her that first night not so long ago, how it called to her and washed away the crimson red of lonely years. She saw the beauty of the world inside that light. She dreamed she heard laughter, but she should have known that laughter only exists for fools who still believe in fairytales. She let the warmth surround her. She drank from the cup and found the cure. She danced the dance of love inside that dazzling brilliance, covered herself with lullabies and moonlight and she was whole. But when she reached for in anguish, needing arms to soothe the ache, the world dimmed, faded and finally went out entirely and she was left inside this never ending black and blue. Wave after wave, crashes upon her still form and she seeks to drown inside it, inside the misery. She hesitates as she seeks to understand why it all should fade away. Will anyone ever find her inside this Hell, will she ever see the light again. The tears, like rivers, stain her cheeks and her heart tears in two. Yet, she is relaxed, as she falls deeper into the sorrow. She knows this place, she has been here before. It is like home to her that is why the monsters under her bed do not scare her. She just doesn't remember it being so cold, so dark, or so deep in this great below, this place far removed from all that is good and pure and beautiful. She lies waiting, waiting for a prayer that has yet to be answered. She is wondering if it was only a fantasy that she made up in her head. Then out of the corner of her eye she sees a glowing, like thousands of fireflies all clumped together and it moves toward her. It grows ever closer and with it comes warmth. She feels it as it races across her bared flesh, thawing the frozen places in her soul. In that glowing he stands. It is he, the man who comes to claim her heart. She knows that face, she has seen it but that was so many years ago. He is her heart's desire, she has always known it. He has come of his own accord, following his heart and the golden thread that binds him to her, one to one, together. As he traveled, racing across all that is to reach her, he saw the black engulf her. He heard the demon voices as they chanted, seducing her into believing their lies. "Do not believe little girl that he has come to save you. He doesn't really know your soul. There are no soul mates. There is no happiness, no light. Love is nothing but a lie. Stupid girl why would you ever believe he could save you from your nightmares" they told her. He saw her eyes glaze over, as they chant and sing and laugh, she falls deeper and deeper into the gulf. He comes then, he knows, to resurrect her from the dead. She rises upon seeing him, the face she could only dream of for so long, the blue eyes that haunt her, the form of a shining beautiful man inside that white and stands hand shaking but outstretched, reaching for him and the light he brings. She shakes her head unable to believe he would travel so far, unable to believe he would follow her through time and dimension into this place, this ugly dark place that draws her in and kills her slowly. It is poison to the soul. She reaches out farther, wanting to feel the heat of his skin to be certain it is real. But to feel that heat she must believe, to feel his love she must have faith...the faith of a child who has yet to learn how ugly it can all be. Does she have it, the will to believe, the heart to give her the wings she needs to fly? She reaches, feeling the heat on her fingertips as she enters his realm of light. Will she feel his heartbeat she wonders as she raises her hand higher to place it on his chest? She is reaching blindly and grasping only air. He sees her. He knows she is not seeing him, she is lost still inside the void in her head. So he speaks and with those words the darkness fades, the lying voices are silenced, and she is drawn out of her reverie. Opening her eyes she sees him once more and she determines to reach, to give it one more try. Will she find him? She gasps for air as her fingertips brush across the flesh of his chest, the rhythmic beating of his heart pulses inside her head. With that touch, that one sweet touch, she rises from the ashes like the mighty Phoenix. The darkness begins to fade...all because he loved her, all because he helped her believe, all because he knew the darkness too.

©Ruth Anne Langford, 2010

Written In Stone

Tonight I cannot think...I am so tired, the rain is coming down and I hear the drops tapping on my window...I wonder are you hearing them too, are you thinking of me? They skies are crying for me tonight because I miss you. I miss you and it winds me up inside like a jack in the box. I miss it all, Glenn. I miss every single thing (except the goodbye part...I don't ever want to endure that part again) every little thing about you. Oh how I wish you were here, listening to this rain with me. For some reason this night reminded me of the night we were lying together on the floor in my bedroom, listening to Foreigner on my stereo.  It was so intense between us (I honestly think we could have set the room on fire) the emotions were strong and I felt every breath you made, every beat of your heart and I held you so close and I wish I could have that again, just you and me and a dark night but this time without the momma to come in the room and tell us we had better get up and turn on the lights. How I'd love to listen to the storm outside with you in my arms. My arms remain empty tonight but in my mind I hold you close and I relive those moments when everything between us was a fire and that warms me...but still I miss you. I looked for you before 5 but yours was a day quite like mine. Today was such a rush but I knew there were things I was going to have to make myself do and if I allowed myself to linger for too long at once, those things wouldn't get done because I wouldn't be able to tear myself away. I didn't want to. I just wanted to be with you here...just to share with you, laugh with you, talk with you...tell you again and again all those things that have been inside for all these years. Funny how I could never say these things til now and now I can't keep them in. I can't make my heart be quiet. And though I find myself a little afraid, I still cannot quiet the screams of my heart or that something that is whirling me around and twisting me all up, making me listen... and look... and Jump. I jumped right off the edge...free falling... and I don't want to stop...not until you catch me, not until we catch each other. It once was a thing I had the slightest bit of control over. It isn't anymore. It has grown and grows still into something that is bigger than anything I can control. I think it is a bit bigger than anything you can control too. (At least we are falling into each other. At least we are losing that tiny bit of control together.) It has always been such a fragile control anyway. There were so very many nights I have seen you and spent time with you over the years that I thought I would lose it, that it would slip away and I would fall apart right then and lay my heart at your feet but somehow I held on. Now, my heart is at your feet...beating and bleeding and I am glad for it. It never belonged to me anyway, not since the day I met you. It has always been yours and now it is Home. You are Home to me. You are that place where everything fits, where the world makes sense, where I can move mountains, where I can smile! You are that place I am safe, you are the only place I have ever and will ever belong. Even all the nightmares of my life fall to the ground when I stand in your light. You are my North Star Glenn, you always have been. I keep listening to Hanging By A Moment tonight and the line that gets me every time is the one I wrote to you earlier:  "I'm falling even more in love with you." To my mind that seems impossible, but my heart just laughs because it knows the truth. There is an infinite amount of love in me for you. It has been on pause, unable to grow and flourish because for too long it had to be denied, held back, kept silent but now this flower has come into the sunshine and with every word, with every minute, it grows. I am, in fact, falling even more in love with you. Is that a bad thing to love someone so much as I do you? Is it a bad thing to be willing to sacrifice it all for the right thing?
"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart."
You are the place where I belong, where I have always belonged and the only place in the world I want to be or have ever in all truth wanted to be. you are the right thing.
I am going to lay down now because i need to sleep. Somehow, I have to sleep. I don't think I will but I have to try...I want to leave you with this...

 

Can't stop thinking of you, feels like I'm losing my mind. I see your reflection in everything around me. I'm even quoting video game commercials. Last night my thoughts were of two kids laying atop a combine I believe it was, looking up at the stars. Content just to be together. No words needed to be spoken. Just the two of them and the stars. Oblivious of all else. That is my fondest memory. I miss that feeling. That feeling that everything is as it should be and nothing else in the world matters. This is not our time. It will be someday, of that I am certain. I will wait. Wait patiently for our time. For you my love endures. Friday is a short day for me and I must leave soon, as much as I wold like to stay. It will be a long weekend without your words to comfort me, but know this, my love, my thoughts and dreams will be of you. I will not say goodbye, for I no longer believe in goodbye.
♥Glenn

My heart breaks thinking of the long weekend before me but when you return, I will be here waiting and, as ever, I am yours. I don't much love short days either...but when Monday comes again, there will be glory! Your writing those words, took me back to that place and that moment and I will have much to write about it over the weekend. This is our time Glenn, it is always our time...it is just a matter of our being able to make it fall into place. I too will wait. FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS... I will so miss you but the return will be worth the wait. I too hope you have a good weekend. You will be with me every moment ...
♥Nan

The Long Night

The forest of my heart
whispers recall in the night
and even as the rain comes down
I hear the voices of long ago
and you become my haunter.
I toss and turn as images crash
into the corners of my room
flying floating shards
of beauty and desire
I cannot breathe
but I am unafraid.

I reach out my arms
attempting to hold your ghost
to bring you close
so you can feel the rhythm
it still beats, it still burns
it still belongs to you
but the apparition fades
and my arms are grasping
the cold air of the night.
And the rain still falls.

A silent tear rolls down my face,
and I miss you
The music of the night
is but the sound of my heart breaking
and the puddling of pain at my feet
At long last I float away
into the shadows of dreams
and finally, to my heart's delight,
I hold you in my arms
and the tears become the wind.
Gently caressing your face,
and it is as it should be.

©Ruth Langford, September 3, 2010

Hanging By A Moment

My beloved:
(Yes you, that is what you are and always have been...so that is what I will call you.)
I am late in getting this to you tonight because I just stopped talking to my cousin. I needed something to grab onto so I talked to her until my head calmed my heart. This letter won't be even half of everything I wanted to say but it will come...it has to come. I cannot keep it in. I will tell you this, as I promised her I would...Shari said to tell you...THANK YOU for making me see beauty again and giving me my smile back. Shari was with me the day your mother told me I couldn't see you because you were getting married that day. She was the one who took me to your house so I could tell you goodbye and that I'd be there if the day ever came that you and she were no more, she was the one that tried in vain to soothe my broken heart.............she remembers all too well what you mean to me. She has heard it all again and again these 25 years.
You know, long ago, you and I had something together...it was brief and absolutely wrought with pain and well, a few too many mistakes at least on my part...but that time we had is what I cherish above all things. Even then, I think we both knew that this was no ordinary, "going to find this again someday," kind of love. When you wrote that letter to me after I made the biggest mistake of my life and told me you didn't care if it was ten years from then, you would always love me and you'd always want me back...I knew, without question you meant it. When I told you, I'd be there forever, waiting, just in case you ever were no longer married, I meant it too! I think you know that was an absolute truth. It was so hard for me those first years of your marriage.
You will never know how many times I drove by your house just praying for a glimpse of you. Even when you moved over by HEB, I still drove by your house. You will never know how many times I bawled driving home from driving by your house because I missed you so much! God I missed you. All these years, I have missed you...something has always been missing. When my friend, Johnny, hooked up with your wife's friend, Stacey, he'd actually see you at your house and he would come tell me about it. Even he knew how much I loved/love you. I definitely must not forget your Dad, "Daddy C," he was a regular at the shop, and he was my most direct link to you. He used to tell me, Sandy is going to be at such and such this weekend, you should call, go see, whatever the case was...and you will never know how badly I wanted to do just that. A big part of me though, didn't want to be in your way. You were trying to make this life, raise this child and it wasn't my life anymore. It wouldn't have been right. I wanted to though, I won't lie. I would have gladly stepped into her shoes any day, any hour, any second if given the chance to do so. I would have gladly drop-kicked her off the side of the planet if it meant I could be with you...but I loved you too much. You were just trying to do the right thing. I know that had I not been such an idiot, none of it would have ever happened. None of it. But then, if none of it had ever happened you wouldn't have your son or your precious grand-babies and I wouldn't have the four children who own my heart.
I will say though that I truly believe that the course of life is being directed by Someone far greater than myself and He knows what needs to happen and when. For me, our time together all those years ago was just the tip of the iceberg, just enough to teach us, just enough to make us remember, just enough to bring us to that later day when the time would be right. There is no doubt in my mind, and there never has been, that you and I were meant to be far more than we have been and I have always believed that would happen...one day. It might happen when I am 80 years old, but I will tell you honestly, there is no one I'd rather spend the end of my days with. I found a button last night that describes what I am saying perfectly about time, the right time...I think I sent it to you today, not sure because I sent a few but it says...
Sometimes you just need a second chance because time wasn't ready for the first one.
I have always felt that about us and quite frankly, as I said, I still do. I have always believed we would have a second chance...I just don't know when. A love like this is not destined to just fall away. It can't...our hearts won't let it. One day, our hearts are going to call to one another and we are not going to be able to deny them anymore. We have been doing that for well over twenty years. We can't do it forever. I don't know about you, but I fully suspect you believe this too.
I want to tell you I am sorry for being the foolish young girl I was. I want to tell you I am sorry I hurt you. I want to tell you that it was you all along, that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I want to tell you how I would have taken it all back if I could have. I want to tell you that I loved you more than I ever imagined was possible. I want to tell you many things...but more than that, Glenn, I want to show you. I believe that there will come a day when I do just that...but first we will have to overcome the fear that has kept us apart, that has kept our ears and eyes closed...hoping that by keeping them closed we might muffle the call of our hearts. First we will have to look into each others eyes, face-to-face, and not have to drive away because there is something else that binds us. When that day comes, I do not believe we will part. I say that because of those times these past 25 years that we have seen one another, that we have looked in each others eyes and have had to pry ourselves away because duty called elsewhere. Were it not for that, well...you know. Even when you were married to her, when I would get up enough nerve to wait for you so I could say hello...you eyes said it all...and all these years, every time I have seen you, they say the same thing.
I will never forget that night I came to the apartment to see you...you had a friend over and you told him, see that girl right there, she broke my heart. I wanted to die in that moment because I know I did and I know I deserved your saying that to me...but you also didn't know, you didn't know so much. You never saw the me after you or all the ways I hurt for you and longed for you or how hard it was for me to let go just enough to try at least to live a little. It took a long long time for me to do that. Years! And even now, looking back I cannot say I have lived much. I have breathed, I have laughed, I have cried, I have opened myself at least partially to some...but no one has ever made me feel what you did and do. I just cannot ever love that way again. See, Glenn, you took that half of my heart I gave you and you kept it...all these years you kept it locked away and you have guarded it like a miser guards his riches. I kept half of your heart too. But then you know that already.
There is something magical about us...it is the kind of love people write songs and poems about. There is something like lightning that arcs between us and pulls us together. There always has been. Shari asked tonight about when I found you last year, the bar-b-que and all that and why I thought I was so emotionally charged, hanging by a thread now. It is simple, really. This.time.is......DIFFERENT!!!! There were things in our life then and time was not yet where it needed to be. But now... You feel it. I feel it. It is drawing us, pulling us, screaming at us and we cannot break away from it. I don't want to. In fact, I won't. I will free fall into whatever it is and let it carry me wherever it is going to. I don't know what that path leads to...but one simple request led me to you and this moment and these days and I am so completely loving every second of it...even when it hurts so much I don't know how to bear it. I do know I will do everything in my power to make sure we don't lose contact again. All those times I didn't know where or how to find you killed me and believe me love I searched. I would search and search until I found you. I have never stopped searching for you. I just always wanted to know where you were. I had to know where you were. In the darkness, behind the scenes of your life, I have always been there and if you were hidden it was as momentary as I could make it. Crazy or is it? I didn't stand in your light, I loved you from a distance and waited.
♥Nan

I feel the same way Nan. Couldn't sleep again last night. There IS something powerful at work here, always has been. I feel just like that nervous, shy little boy on the corner of Pioneer and N 10th st so many years ago. It seems that all roads lead to us, and I've always felt that we would be together again someday. I still feel it. I don't know what the future holds, but I am willing to wait and see. What I do know is that I have always loved you and still do. Have to go for now, more later.
Always,
Glenn

"There are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one’s cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore."
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)
What we share, you and I, is far beyond all of that, in the end, it makes no difference. I too have my own life but it is not anywhere near what yours is. My life is but a horrible nightmare I am attempting to wake from. I live in a world of darkness and fear. But that is my cross to bear, my fight to fight. It is quite like I told Shari last night...you are here in my life right now and all this is happening for a reason...but I will never bring you into my nightmare. I will never allow it. I will bear my burden until I am free of it. What you have today in the life that is yours does not and cannot change my heart. My heart will always be yours...no matter what, no matter who, no matter...it just IS! I too feel quite like that young girl that day seeing you for the first time...or better yet, I feel that pounding in my heart. that electricity, that knowing just as I did the very first time we kissed. It is VERY powerful. You said it better than any word I have ever written... ALL ROADS do indeed LEAD TO US! We just have to wait until that end of the journey when our roads converge and we have that beginning we have been waiting all these years for. I will go on waiting for that moment, just as you will because we both KNOW the future holds you and me...maybe tomorrow, maybe ten years down the road...but knowing you are there at the other end is all that matters and it makes it all so worth the wait. When our hearts demand it from us, we will not be able to turn away. I am caught now, mesmerized, holding my breath because something is happening and there is no stopping it, the beginning of the beginning perhaps? Something is very different this time...something is not going to let this slip away. ( Thank you God!) Can you hear it scream at you the way I hear it? (PAY ATTENTION! LOOK! CAN'T YOU SEE? IT IS RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE!!! I URGE YOU! NOW!) I love you Glen Henry and you are here, right now and that is all that matters
♥Nan

I do hear and FEEL it!! I can't sleep, I can't work, I can barely breathe.
Waiting...
♥Glenn

Written In Stone

I've never stopped thinking about you. There have been many times in my life that I've felt so alone and that no one cares, but then I realize that someone does, YOU. I have felt this as strongly as I have about anything, and for that I thank you.
♥Glenn

Hold On To The Night

I hope your night was filled with all the beauty she does possess. Mine was, even as I sat and watched it all spin around me, crashing into the moon and scattering the stars. I was never so thankful for tiny little arms wrapped around my neck and the darkness ... when all the pictures in my head could calm and I could see them, piece by piece, bit by bit and remember without fear of falling into the depths. I am so glad to have found you although I will readily admit my emotion is on the verge of something. A catalyst is swirling and twirling and pushing and pulling DEMANDING I listen. I believe things happen for a reason, was it just that I searched for you and actually found you on this site...no, it is never that simple. You have your life I know and a woman in your life who fills it...I have my life and 4 beautiful children who need me, but somehow our paths have crossed again and for what reason we do not yet know but I remain transfixed, breath held, waiting, wondering and thanking God for the time I am given...to wait for that simple hello or that name upon my screen. There is beauty in youth and love, on that you are no doubt wholly correct but there is also an undeniable beauty in old love, eternal love, departed love and age...that time when we now know what we should have known and actually know we know it! When I said those words to you years ago, I meant them just as I believe those sweet words that pierced my heart, "I remain, as always, yours" are the truest spoken. To feel a love so deep after 25 years is something, but to add to that a lifetime in between and finding the waters unchanged is monumental. I am glad you are here. I am glad I didn't sleep, but instead spent the night with you close to my heart.
Hope your night was as beautiful.
♥Nan

Written In Stone

What a day for me...dance classes, homeschooling, online college History class and you...YOU! I closed my eyes a moment ago, trying to find some quiet in my exploding emotions...but in the quiet, there was only you. I thought about my kids, how I would not for my life change them...I love them with every breath in my body...but there is one thing that I have always said and will always say I would change in a heartbeat and that one thing is you. I don't want to change the fact that we met and loved...I only want to change the fact that you left, and I left and we went in directions that took us so far away from us. That I would change in a minute, without hesitation. There are those things you just "know". I "know" you and somehow I believe I always will. I just look at that picture of you and I melt all over again, just like I used to. Funny how some things never change. You know, this has nothing to do with my hellish life but has always been with me, deep inside and nothing has EVER changed that. There has not been a moment I have not felt this way about you! If you only knew. It is a flood for me too, to see you was such a surprise to me. It caught me completely off guard and my emotions went into overdrive. I am still breathing I think, but my heart is exploding and my mind is racing and everything around me is whirling like in some video with pictures of you and me and yesterday. I know I won't sleep tonight but I don't mind. I will have you close in my mind and that is going to be a wonderful thing. I never dreamed...I never dreamed I'd find you here but finding you, I do know I don't want to lose you in the dark ever again. Like I said, a simple hello...a small thing to so many but it is enough for me. I am glad you don't mind my writing and I am more glad you want me to keep doing so. Those words, those words you said when you ended that email are more to me than any other words I could ever hear. They brought me to tears. Thank you!
♥Nan

Written In Stone

We have written over 7000 msgs to each other since the day I first saw his smiling picture on FB.  They are words of the heart and are such powerful reminders of where we have been and where we are going.  Occasionally, I will include one here for those of you who believe in the power of true love and for us, because we never want to forget!!!

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Ok, I know this is like a raging flood and TMI...but I guess that is kind of what I am right now. I really couldn't get over seeing you on here last night and when I said I cried to see you, I meant it. God, those eyes, those eyes still kill me. I guess I just have so much I want to say to you, 50 million little memories and moments that keep reaching up and grabbing me...so many things I want to share. I figure you are probably drowning under it all, this tremendous amount of everything from me to you and for that I am sorry. All I can seem to do is cry or write and laugh and write and listen to 1959 over and over and over just like I always did. I am sorry for that but I do hope in some ways, it makes you smile and laugh a little to remember. It is a good thing, to remember you and us even though it is excruciating. You will always matter to me and I truly thank God I found you here even if it is just so I can say hello now and then and maybe find you said it back. Take care of yourself...please. In am still at the end of that line, you know. Write me if you want and when you can and watch my profile for all the things I want to say to you, if you want. Every single entry on my profile today is about you or for you. Hope you don't mind...but my heart, it is just so outspoken. I have never been good at shutting it up, LOL! I really hope you don't mind and I am sorry for the flood. Just look at it as you are an inspiration...
♥Nan

I don't mind at all. You have opened a floodgate of memories. some painful, but most happy. Just a lot to process all at once. As always you have such a gift with words. Oh to be young and in love! Keep writing, I will respond. It will just take me some time. It is so good to hear from you.
I remain, as always, Yours
♥Glenn