Written In Stone

let me just say first I am so glad you are doing better today and I thank you for saying I helped you to get through that terrible day. I want you to know though, that you did that. I merely served as the sounding board and tried to point you to a more positive frame of mind. You made it through and I am proud of you, even more so after reading what all happened to you. I was terribly worried about you. Don't worry about the songs you sent. I understood what you were going through. You did not bring me into any dark abyss, the only abyss I suffered was my own emotions reacting to your hurt. I do NOT like seeing you hurt that way and that was trying for me, terribly painful. But, because I love you, I was determined to be there come hell or high water and I am glad that I was able to be. Loving you simply means for me you don't go through all this alone ever again. I am here beside you, come what may.
Second, I must say I am torn on this issue. Let me explain before you get to thinking.
On the one hand I am taking a deep breath of gladness and relief. You will no longer have to endure abuse, to worry over the fact that this time she might really be dead, you don't have to be insulted or attacked, you don't have to lose things so precious to you, you don't have to be hurt anymore! I rejoice for that. I cannot even tell you how much. Someone hurting you pisses me off to no end and I am glad that is over. I would also be lying if I didn't say that I am thankful that we are one step closer, so much closer to a real chance together. My situation is different than yours was and I feel we are well over halfway there. I cannot tell you I do not want that chance. I do. I want you in my life, period. No explanation needed.
I also struggle because I worry about your heart. You never said you didn't love this woman. In fact, you said just the opposite. I know you love her, I know you are hurting, I know it is going to be hard for you and there will be moments you miss her greatly. For that reason alone, I grieve for you. I know you deserve so much better and I think you probably do as well...but I also know love is sometimes very blind.
It all boils down to my heart wanting your heart to be happy even if that means or meant you would never be with me again. It means putting my feelings aside and thinking about yours. It means as much as I love and care for you, I would have been by your side supporting you in every way I could for however long you chose to be with her. It is what I have to do, I could do nothing else. I so want you to be happy and to have all the good and beautiful things this world can offer. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I want you! Yes, I love you!!! BUT, you come before any of those things I feel inside.
I am very proud of you! You made it through such a hard day. I didn't do that for you. YOU did that and in the end, thankfully, she didn't turn it all upside down and destroy all you have. I am glad maybe this time, it will not have to be sooo ugly. Of course, I also know she may very well be on her best behavior now and may hope that she can convince you to ask her to stay and for awhile she may even try. I know this may happen and I will be ok with anything your heart leads you to do. So if it occurs to you to concern yourself with that, DON'T! I am here for you...no matter what or who you happen to be with. If a change of heart happens, I hope it will be far better for you and that if it isn't better that you will one day come to realize you deserve so very much better.
In the end, all I want you to know is that I am by your side, every single step of the way. I will not forsake you. I will not leave you. I will back away if you ever need me to, but I will never leave you. I never have. I never will. This time, I have just had the chance to be there on a more personal level and that is without question one of the GREATEST blessings of my life. You are a part of me Glenn, You are such a deep part of me I could never make it go away, NEVER and I don't intend to ever try to change that. You are going to be with me for the rest of my life, in my heart and soul...that place you have always been.
Ok, love...I really must go. I didn't sleep last night, worked HARD all day and am freezing, (so wish you were here to snuggle next to). I want to take a hot bath and try to sleep tonight. I will be so looking forward to seeing you in the morning. I cannot wait to tell the truth. I love you Glenn Henry and I hope that is one thing in this world you are sure of. Have a great night.
Always,
♥Nan

Good morning, so enjoyed your letter. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Am actually at a loss of words after reading your note. I do know that I love you and can't wait to see you. Can you feel the butterflies? Cause I sure can!!  Now that I am finally free, I am able to give myself completely to you, not just part of me. I don't know what the future holds in store for us but I am so looking forward to exploring it with you. I worry about you and your ties to this "man". The last thing on this earth I want is to complicate your life. So tell me how to proceed. I will not rush you. I will wait if need be just as you have waited. I will do whatever you ask of me. Just let me know.
♥Glenn

Do proceed, that is all I ask. Dont worry and dont wait. I too want this exploration. You are no complication, you are the best part of my life. I will tell you more about this later. Just know, nothing will stop me from this...
♥Nan

 So... does that mean we have a date???
♥Glenn

We absolutely have a date!!!
♥Nan

I can't wait to see you Nannie!!!
♥Glenn

Chasing Cars

Good morning beautiful!! What a wonderful morning it is!!
♥Glenn

really... ???
 ♥Nan

It is everything to me.
♥Glenn

Do you find a man that cries weak?
♥Glenn

No, I find a man that cries beautiful and secure enough in his manhood to express his emotion...it's a rarity.
♥Nan

Good, because I'm sure I will cry when I finally see you again.
♥Glenn

So will I...but that isnt a bad thing.As before, I don't know what the future brings, but I do know I want you in it and I will be waiting right here when the smoke clears. You are so precious to me and to my life and I cannot tell you how much I look forward to seeing you again.
♥Nan

Me too!!!
♥Glenn

I think it needs to rain next weekend...
♥Nan

Mudshovel

Good morning to you darling. In a foul mood today, had a not so pleasant evening last night. Hope you don"t mind if I vent a little today. Will be sending you some of my favorite not so happy songs.
♥Glenn

You have spent the majority of your day mired in anger, disappointment, disillusionment, and hurt. In essence, you have wrapped and cloaked yourself in all the negativity of yesterday thereby prolonging your agony. Brush this off of you and feel something beautiful in this day, exchange the energy for something more powerful and abundant. Turn it loose, set it free and reclaim yourself, your peace, and your power! This woman has hurt you and greatly disappointed you and I know how hard that is to turn into something better, but there must surely be some beauty in this day for you. Some little something somewhere that made you pause and reflect. Perhaps a sight you've witnessed, perhaps a tree blowing in the wind. Perhaps not yet as all you see today must surely be colored by the ugliness you feel. You give this woman far too much power by allowing her own downfall, her own dark light to so powerfully affect your own...she is coloring your world as dark as hers is and somehow you cannot see. Sweet angel, open your eyes and breathe. There is magic in this world, and beauty and love...there is so much for you, even now at this moment, right beneath your fingertips, right outside your window. Look for it. Cast aside this biting, clawing fever inside you. If I could wrap you in my arms and bring you peace, I would. All I can do is wrap you inside these words and hope you hear my voice.
♥Nan

You're right, thank you. I'm feeling better already. Whats done is done, all I can do is go home and see what tonight brings.
♥Glenn

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know you are hurting and angry. Just hold onto you, whatever may come, no matter what this night brings and don't let all this negative turn you or harm you more than the events do. I am here. I will listen though I know that is little solace when your world is turning upside down.
I know you love her deeply Glenn and surely as angry as you feel there is hurt inside too. If you want to make things right between the two of you, do it. Think about that why...and if your heart leads you there, do it! If it turns out that she has left, then just let your heart lead you from there. You will be ok, I know this much! A beautiful spirit like yours can be nothing less. You have a friend...and I am beside you, come what may.
♥Nan

Don't worry your pretty head.

Wanted so bad to leave last night and somehow find you.

♥Glenn

Ahhh, but were that so easy, it isn't when you love someone and they love someone else and are hurting

You know where I am, I will go wherever I need to to find you!  Next time, pick up the phone. I am right here.

♥Nan

Did you know that you are beautiful and that I love you?
♥Glenn

I won't write much, it is late, I am tired and emotionally exhausted...also, I don't know how you will be this morning as your new day dawns and since I don't, I don't want to overwhelm you with "stuff" from me. I do hope this dawn finds you much happier than yesterday's dawn. I have worried about you so much tonight. I just, I hate that you are experiencing so much pain right now and I do pray that your world has righted itself in whatever way you need it to, you being unhappy is not a thing I want to see. So I pray for your happiness and most of all for your peace. I will certainly talk to you soon and until I do...you will be with me. Every moment.
Always,
♥Nan

Getting To Know You...AGAIN♥

I love the moon and hate the sun, I can be very self conscious, I love to camp and fish, I am a good shot with a .22, but I never shoot to kill any living thing, I am dangerous with a slingshot, I have thought a million times about getting a boob job, I wish my eyes were green but think my eyes are the best thing about me, my feet haven't grown since I was in 7th grade, my favorite thing to wear is pajamas, told Momma to bury me in some LOL, I love darkness and am not afraid of it, I love rain but am afraid of the storm, I love fires in a fireplace, I am terrified of swimming in Lakes, rivers, etc, but love to swim, my favorite flowers are roses, lilacs, and sweet peas, like all girls, I love jewelry but prefer pieces that look antique, I would love to see the Steelers play in person, I love, love, love HOCKEY, I want to go to New Orleans and see the sights, I have never seen the ocean, I still have nightmares, I am a loner, but want to change that, I miss you...
♥Nan

I'm terrified of rejection, I'm really nervous about Saturday. I love to cook but hate doing dishes. I would barbeque every day if I could. I love coffee and drink too much of it. I love to camp and fish, but I'm not much of a hunter. I'm a good shot with a rifle but horrible with a shotgun. I watch a lot of History Channel and Discovery. I'm a bit lazy but not afraid of hard work. I like to garden, last winter I dug a 18 foot by 60 foot garden by hand in my back yard. I love the summer but not the cold of winter. I do love when it snows though. I like to take walks at night. I love sarcastic humor and for some reason I seem to find irony in a lot of things. I'm very quiet but when I say something I mean it. I don't tolerate liars or thieves. I love King of the Hill, was so disappointed when it went off the air. I know a ton of people but can count my true friends on one hand, and I know that I love you!
♥Glenn

Written In Stone

I miss you every day and struggle at times to deal with that longing, but I remain hopeful. Sometimes that is hard as it seems this is but one long play without a curtain call. I think about the things we could be doing, should be doing, might be doing ... if... but then I try to make myself not dream too much so I don't get my hopes up too high. I find that I love you more daily and the nights are hardest for me. I want to be close to you but know that I can't be and sometimes I dream of you and wake up crying and then I ... SMILE! I feel you inside my soul which is a place NOONE lives. I want to know everything about you, the man you have become. I want to hold you when you hurt. I want to listen to you, to all those words you want to say, to all those hopes and dreams that you have. I want to hold your hand when I am afraid. I want to kiss you, oh yes, I want to kiss you...to feel those butterflies that come with that simple kiss. I love feeling nervous as a child because it means it's good. It is ALL good with you, except we cannot be together, and that is the cruelest cut of all. I adore you...is it enough? I don't know.
♥Nan

Written In Stone

Hello love. Am going to take the time I have right now and write you. I hope you know that even though it is hard for us both, I feel as strongly about holding on as you do. I miss you and it is very hard sometimes because I can't see you, or speak to you, or do all those things with you I am dreaming of...but the prolonged agony does nothing but strengthen my determination and I find myself wanting and loving you more. This is a very unique opportunity in that we can really connect on a level that is beyond the physical presence of the other. We have always connected so deeply and in this way that bond is being tested and strengthened, it is growing so much stronger. When you are gone, you are with me. There you are, everywhere I look and I dream of you...in so many ways. I dream of being able to talk to you, to touch your hand, to kiss you, to hear your laugh, to look at the stars, to walk arm in arm, to make love while it rains, to curl up and watch a good movie, to have conversations...to enjoy this life I have been given with you. I want to be able to tell you how I feel when I am looking in your eyes. Is that too much to dream of? I don't think so. I hope not. I pray it isn't. I don't have anything to offer you but myself and my children and a home that needs more work than can be done in a month...but I also have my heart and I give you that freely...and without hesitation or reservation. Someday, I pray there will come a day when you can and will take what I have to offer. If tonight you chance to look up at the stars, imagine us, remember us and what it could be if only we could break the chains and live. I will be doing that same thing. And tonight when it rains, if you should wake to hear it, imagine me in your arms beside you...in the dark with only that brief flash of light and our hearts to guide us into abandon. I imagine you often, in that way and so many others. I think of you all the time. I wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking of me. I even have to wonder if what you have to hold onto is enough to make you forget that I am out here standing in the rain...waiting for you. Somehow, I don't think it is. Somehow I don't think anything less than you and me together will ever be enough again. So I will warn you now...I hate mornings, I like to laugh but don't often get the joke, I adore my cats and cannot stand to see an animal tossed aside, I like to play games with my kids, I sometimes just need to be held and told I am loved, I don't often feel beautiful, or good, or worthy but I am fighting that darkness very hard, I wear black nail polish and most all of my clothes are black, not because of anything other than the fact that I feel sexy in them, I love art, I love to read or to watch anything that makes me FEEL something, I snore at night when I sleep and always have but if you tell me I do, I will deny it, I love Dr. Peppers and Zima but not together, I love spicy things, the hotter the better, I eat too much salt and have high blood pressure that I take medicine for daily, I am terrified of hearing that c word again, I love nature and am about as pagan as you can get and still believe in God, my faith keeps me grounded when the rest of the world spins out of control, I am far too emotional and easily wounded, I am a bit needy now as I find it hard to trust anything or anyone, I don't like violence but will fight back if I am being hurt, I feel very unsafe being held at night...I need to know I can get away if something goes crazy, I love my mother with all my heart, I still cry when I think about my grandad and about my mother's house being gone, I am afraid of high winds and snakes, I love the Fort Worth Zoo, especially the meerkats, I have always wanted to go to Ireland, Montana, and Maine, I hate driving and cannot see well in the dark, I have only ever driven in the ice once and don't plan to do so again, I have an uncanny interest in the macabre and gothic, I love old houses and architecture, Antiques are my passion, I love music...all music, I write and write and write some more, I was once a cutter and have since learned how to release emotion in other ways - the scars on my arms are part of me and I am not ashamed of them but few people know that about me, there is so much about me you should know...but this is a start. Are you scared? Please tell me you aren't.
I love you and cannot wait to see you tomorrow. Let the rain fall now and I will wrap myself in the darkness and imagine you there...
♥Nan

Good morning beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing parts of yourself with me. I've been dying to know so much about you but I knew the answers to my questions would come in time. I feel such a strong bond between us yet, in a way, we are somewhat strangers. 25 years is a long time and we are no longer children. I want to know the woman that you have become. I want you to know the man that I have become and I will do my best to tell you, and one day show you. You will find this may be a slow process as I find it very difficult to talk about myself, but I will do my best. How could I be scared? You are a beautiful, caring, sensitive, passionate, intelligent woman. I long for the day when I am no longer caught between the Scylla and Charybdis and can truly and completely open my heart to you. The thought of you being hurt infuriates me. I am no longer a violent person but I know how to fight and will not hesitate to do so when circumstances warrant. Any man that would lay hands on a woman is too weak and afraid to confront a real man. You deserve so much better. One day I will show you, open your eyes to your true worth. I want to hold you close, kiss you tenderly, admire your beauty, explore your mind and body, let you know that you are loved daily. I continue to be amazed by so many things that we have in common. It reaffirms my belief that we were meant to be together. I too have trust issues. I've been lied to and cheated on too many times, but I find it easy to trust you. I hope you do me as well. So, lets get to know each other. I will try to share something new with you every day, just bear with me.
Yours, for as long as you'll have me
♥Glenn

ahhh, LOVE...there is so much to you and I...so much to discover, that is true...but I cannot help but to believe the more we know, the more we will certainly love. Meant to be is the phrase that you mentioned and it certainly is what I believe as well. I cannot wait to learn more about you. I hunger for it...more, more, more...one little taste of you is never enough. It fascinates me, this man you have become. I am so proud of you and so moved by you...so deeply in love with you. I want you to know, right now...I intend to keep you forever.
By the way...forever isn't long enough.
♥Nan

Let It Rain

Sometimes my head whirls in all directions and I struggle to find meaning in it all. I know the rain is coming, and it is driving me...calling me...is it you? I know tomorrow will be a long one as the world and my heart comes crashing down because I miss you. Maybe Heaven is crying for us. I absolutely hurt for you...and I absolutely love you.
♥Nan

I know how you feel. It's not easy for me, being where we are, but I will hold on. I lost you once and I will not lose you again if I can help it. Monday night it started raining and I went outside and just stood in the rain thinking of you. After about fifteen minutes I was asked, "What in the hell are you doing?" I replied, "I'm standing in the rain!!!"
♥Glenn

Will You Wait For Me?

Take all your favorite thoughts of me
Keep them close inside so you will always see
One time I was there for you not so long ago
In you I'll always find what I can call my home

Will you wait for me..I'm so afraid to leave
So will you wait for me..I'm so afraid

I cant be strong enough alone
And I cant feel you close enough over this phone
You always said I choose the life of a lonely one
I dont know where I'm going but I'll see you when I'm done

Will you wait for me..I'm so afraid to leave
So will you wait for me..I'm so afraid to leave....

I've always told myself I cannot fail
But if I lose you then I will

Will you wait for me..I'm so afraid to leave
So will you wait for me .. I'm so afraid to leave....to leave
Will you wait for me
♥Nan

Wisdom From "The Prophet" - Kahlil Gibran

"When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth......

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself."

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully."
— Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

Awake and Alive

I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last

[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
here, right now
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive

[V2]
I'm at war with the world cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again

[Bridge]
Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you
♥Glenn

Bless the Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Need You Now

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cuz I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stopping looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Oh whoa
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk
and I need you now.
Well I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
♥Nan

Written In Stone

Hope you had a good weekend, I know I did. Couldn't get to a computer yesterday as much as I wanted to. So enjoyed seeing you and visiting with you. It almost seems like a dream now. Thought about you all day yesterday. You've grown into such a very special and beautiful woman and I can't wait to spend more time with you!!
♥Glenn

I had a WONDERFUL weekend...Saturday just set the tone for all the rest of it. I soooo loved being there with you. So hope you did enjoy that time too. Been thinking about you so much. Am definitely ready to see you again.
♥Nan

I was still so exited Saturday night I couldn't sleep, was up till 3:30 in the morning. Just couldn't believe that you were just at my house. Told Lisa that you were more beautiful than I remembered and how we chose to just stay home and visit and how nervous I was. Told her what a beautiful time I had catching up and reminiscing with you and how I felt it might be the start of something very, very special!! OK, now what of your thoughts.
♥Glenn

OMG! I thought I was surely gonna die when I had to leave but I have been smiling ever since. It just was all so perfect and soooo fun. It took me forever to go to sleep these past two nights but I have laid in bed with a smile on my face.
♥Nan

So Far Away

Ahhh my angel. I grieve deeply for the trials you have encountered and continue to encounter. I wish there were some magic thing I could say that would make it all better for you. I can tell you, in many ways I understand what you have experienced. Alcohol is another form of self-medication and because of my husbands attempts on his life, he too is in constant pain. So in some ways I do know your experience and understand how hard it is. You are not as hard as I am. I care for my husband when he is in a drunken stupor as best as I can but when he sobers up, I generally let him have it. I can only imagine how loving and kind you must be and I cannot help but feel this woman is very fortunate to have you but like most people who suffer in the way she does, it is very doubtful she recognizes it. For that I am sorry. I know she couldn't have a more loving or dedicated person by her side than you. I so wish I could take it away. I so wish your road had not been marred by such ugliness. As for caring for her after her accident, and for your precious mother, I too understand that. I was a CNA and I first cared for patients on the Cardiac Unit at Hendricks Hospital. My great love though was working for Abilene Convalescent. I worked on a closed, all male unit. The only residents I cared for were Psych patients or Alzheimer's patients. I adored them, absolutely, though there are stories I will one day share that may make you question why I would. When Nathan crashed the car, I went to Lubbock where he was careflighted. I was in such a state of panic I never stopped to think about my schedule and as a result I was fired for being a no-call, no show. They really didn't care what had happened though many of the nurses I worked under were FURIOUS. I was, according to them, the best thing that ever happened to those residents. The change in them was noticeable when I was there. Even the one man whom everyone hated to work with was like a little puppy dog following me around, somehow I found a way in with them all and they knew I loved them...that made all the difference. It was the hardest job I ever had but the most rewarding ever. It is the only thing I have ever done that made me feel like I was actually making a difference. Anyway, this isn't about me...This is about how truly remarkable YOU are to have done and endured all you have, yet you still love this woman. It makes me proud of you...more so than I have always been. You have such a big heart. So kind, so giving, so loving. This story you have told me proves that! You should be proud of yourself! I hope you are. Even when it falls apart again, you should have no regrets. You have given everything to this woman, you have even denied yourself an opportunity at happiness right now because of your commitment and love for her. Be proud of that. I am. It does answer a great many of my questions and you need never say more about it. As I said, this will remain safely locked in my heart. I don't know what you could possibly tell me about you that will ever change anything I think about you but since I want to know about your life all these years we have been apart I look forward to your sharing anything you want to with me.
I have a great deal I could also share with you and I will as I let down some of the walls I keep around myself at all times. Very few people see the me behind the mask. You will be and are one of the very few. It will just take me time. It is hard for me, to put myself out there and I am sure you have noticed I very regularly second guess myself. When it comes to you, I am torn so many ways because I love you so much and have for so long. It is like I am afraid if I blink you will disappear or worse yet, you won't love me anymore. So many people have screwed me over in so many ugly ways. But the worst person still lives in this house. He has made me into a creature that doubts everything, even myself. I have these tapes that he has recorded over and over in my head that tell me I am not good enough, that I am fat, and ugly, and a bitch, and worthless. I know they aren't true, I know they were forms of manipulation to make me stay...but still, I hear them and I fear them. Worse than that, I fear you will look at me, know me and feel them. It is a battle for me to try to convince myself that all his crap is wrong. That I am not some horrible excuse for a human being. I have lived in the dark for so long that the light is almost frightening. It is hard to believe something good can be in my life and not disappear or even worse not completely fail me. Does that make sense? I trust you to a degree I cannot trust others because you are you...but it will take time for my walls to come down completely. It will take time for me to cease being afraid. I will probably need to hear more often than some that I am valued, that I don't have to apologize for everything. I do that often...in case you didn't notice already. I guess I am fairly messed up now and getting that way didn't happen overnight. So changing these negative tapes and thoughts and fears won't happen overnight. I am scared to death I will lose you. I can tell you that and that is probably why I need you to affirm it so often...to tell me you want me to stay, to tell me I matter, to tell me you need me too. I hold onto it. It makes its way through the darkness and the more it comes the less I am unsure of the light. Oh I know this must all seem like gibberish to you. I just don't know how else to say it. I guess I am just saying, we all have our own forms of darkness. I don't know yet what yours have been though I know you will share them with me in time. And I hope you know that when you do, I will love you all the same.
Will write more tonight if I can. Was a long day. I still have a bad sore throat and don't feel well. I don't know how long I will be up tonight. But I will be right here tomorrow. I so hate it that you will be gone for so long...and I only thought the weekends were long without you...LOL but I hope you have a wonderful vacation. I hope you will get to smile and smile often. I hope you will know I love you and every moment you are away, you are in my thoughts and in my heart.
BTW, you are such a light in the darkness. I know we have both endured so much. Your endurance and commitment is inspiring, and beautiful despite how very tragic it is. You are such a wonderful man, so incredible, so strong. I yearn to know all there is to know about you...oh, but I thank you for sharing all you have with me. I just cannot ever express to you how much you mean to me. I look at it this way, there is a tremendous love between us and it has always existed and will always exist. Though we must be apart, we share that love and are there to be a light in the darkness for the other which at times may be the one thing that gets us through. What a gift we have in one another. I am blessed by you. sooooo much more than you will ever know!
I'd like now to finish where I left off last night so abruptly...
Although it is very hard for me to trust or to feel safe, you are slowly changing that. I do trust you as I said, simply because you are Glenn. You are without question the only person that could stroll into my life that I would not believe had an ulterior motive for doing so. That being said, the lives we had lived separately left something to be desired I would say, there has been a desert in our living, a vast wasteland. I wouldn't say everything has been bad, but it has left us both parched, dried up, somehow as barren as the desert itself. But I think we bring new life to each other. I mean, tell me if I am wrong here please, (It is that nagging insecurity in me, the thing that always makes me second guess myself...that brings me to make that statement) but I feel my life, though painful for the want of you, is fuller, richer, more beautiful with you in it and I believe you feel the same way. I have always loved you. You spoke of falling for me the moment you first saw me and you know, I cannot express to you how truly that was the same for me. I will never forget that moment, when I saw you standing there...you were (and are) the most beautiful person I had ever seen...there was something about you...it spoke to me. It still speaks to me and I am beginning to believe very strongly in the fact that you speak to me in a voice only I can hear, or else there would not remain such a very strong connection between us. If someone else could hear it...I honestly think our lives would have turned out very differently and we wouldn't be standing here today...together! The thing is some things are meant to be...I always believed we were. The proof of that is staring us right in the face now. All the years that have passed us by, all the changes in us as we moved from youngster to adult, all the things we have experienced there is so much that could have made this very different but look at the one thing that has remained through it all...you and me. You are the man my soul married years ago. Soul to soul...and it has remained committed to you...that must be why nothing else ever fit. How could it, how could I ever fit anywhere else when my soul was connected to and committed to you? The only thing that I love more than loving you all these years is that I am growing to love you more and more each day as I learn about the man you have become. That amazes me. I loved you in a young girls way which is why of course I screwed everything up between us...mostly it was fear...one day I will explain that very irrational fear to you and maybe you will understand why I ran at least a little. I love you still but I am older now, and that is a different kind of love altogether and it is a growing love. I am amazed by you and proud of you. I feel so many things for you. The fact that it has lasted since the day I first saw you is just the icing on the cake, the proof in the pudding so to speak. I know very truly inside the deepest part of me that I will love you for all my life. I have always known that. You are a part of me and you always have been. I think I have struggled partly because I wasn't sure and because of my own fucked up head and partly because I was afraid like I tried very unsuccessfully to tell you earlier tonight. I cannot bear the thought of losing you and I tell you quite truthfully, I am not at all prepared to let you go. Stay out of your day to day life, yes, I must and will...but to be without you...NO! I cannot. Not now! Too much has happened to turn back. I can't and won't. I will never hide my love or my face from you again. If you ever have the chance to look in my eyes, though we are apart, you will see all those things I feel...and I will see in yours all those things you feel. I am not sure either of us will be able to turn away or deny those feelings or that awareness once it is seen. Do you have the strength to turn away from me? I don't think you do any more than I. So, here we are separated only by a screen because we cannot be close and do what we must...that would be the worst kind of torture. For you and for me. More than anything I want to see you. I want to see you so badly it eats me alive. I want to sit with you anywhere, have lunch, have a beer I don't care...but I know as well as you do, that this fire between us is a raging inferno and it would consume us both to be so close and know we have to walk away. I wouldn't mind it, being consumed by you...if it wouldn't break your heart to be so consumed by me. So I must force myself to stay away from you although there is not one part of me that wants to. Even though that is the last thing in this world I want to do...but for the sake of a heart I cherish above all others, YOURS, I do it. There have been times all I wanted to do was go to you, go to you and have you look at me, see me...have you look into my heart and soul...because I so badly want you in my life. But there is not room for me in your life yet and I know I will be a much happier woman when there is, it makes waiting worthwhile despite how hard it is. Is it as hard for you as it is for me? I think somehow it must be in some ways, to want something so much and know it is right there in front of you but your hands are tied and you cannot reach for it until they are free. I will not wish for your ties to be broken for I wish you no pain...but I cannot help but to wish it was I that held you so! Goodnight Love
♥Nan