Another night of silence in my home last night. Barely a few words, no smiles, no laughter. No love? I just don't know anymore. Our life together is winding down, like a tired old clock, and has been for a very long time. This is my pathetic existence, but I must see it through, till the clock makes its final chime. I'm sure of which will soon be forthcoming. This is the same woman of whom you inquired, and I will tell you why, why I feel an obligation to her. There is reasoning behind my madness, but this is a very long story best told another day. Guilt is a very strong word and I should not have used it. I do not feel guilty for I have done nothing wrong. "The heart wants what the heart wants." The only pain that I feel is the longing in my heart for you. So, my love, do not be sad for me, for I feel no sadness. I look forward to your comforting words every day, like a man dying of thirst looks to water. You fill my heart with warmth and my soul with light. I too have looked for you over the years. On facebook, you tube, even at Classmates.com. They think I'm a graduate of Clyde H S 1986 there. Stupid me didn't know how to spell Anne!! So darling, this has changed nothing as far as my situation goes. If anything you have helped me remember who I used to be, what I want to be once more. I am so thankful that you found me, because I was searching for you all along.
Yours
♥Glenn
I forgot to tell you how many, many times I have driven the back way to Clyde over the years. To many to begin to count. Every time I'd have a service call in Clyde, nights when I was feeling lonely. I once pulled up in the driveway to your mothers house just to catch a glimpse of it. One night I ran out of gas at 2:00 in the morning and spent the night in my truck not two miles from your mom's house. I've driven to Clyde at night and parked for a while in the parking lot of the high school where I would meet you sometimes.
Just thought you should know.
♥Glenn
If I am sad for you in anyway, it is now the sadness of a woman who knows your life, who sees clearly what you are going through. It saddens me because you deserve so much but this, this is NOT it. I know one day you will explain your madness to me just as I have tried to explain my own madness to you. I am willing to bet I will come closer to understanding it than most people the world over. That might be because of the situation we both are drowning in and it might be simply because I know YOU, the man. I cry for you already.
It was such a comfort to me to get your letter. My only regrets are that I was too emotional to respond to you then and that when I calmed down, I couldn't write. It had to wait til tonight, til now when the world is fast asleep and I am here alone with you. I was so terribly afraid you were hurting and it was my fault. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't. The last thing on earth I ever want to do is hurt you, EVER again. Your beautiful heart, your precious soul I cherish above all things...to hurt it, I just can't. I would have walked away from you if I believed it would make your life better no matter how much it would have killed me to do so. It would have knocked the life right out of me and just the thought of it was doing that very thing. I don't want to ever lose you again. I just found you again and after waiting a life time it seems, I was ill prepared to let you go. Since reading your words, I now understand I am not hurting you. Despite the pain of our having to be apart, I bring a little life into your gloom, just as you have shined a light in my life and washed away all the darkness. There will be nothing to part me from you, save you yourself. If you ask me to let go, I will...but ONLY if you ask me to and even then, it would be excruciatingly painful. It would be very much like a death inside. Knowing that I am bringing happiness to you, despite the pain, makes me feel....ALIVE! So in the darkness, you and I live, love, and breathe together. Together we will make it thru these hard times.
I hear the crickets outside my window...it makes me remember the night. You and I together beneath the stars. I am very touched that you have been looking for me all these years too. Do you know that for a great many years I lived right across the street from the High School. How many nights were we there under the same street lights longing for each other? How many times did I happen to be at mother's house when you drove that way? What might have been if you had walked to mother's house that night you ran out of gas. I lived with her for a bit of time as well. We will never know why fate chose this moment...but I feel certain it is destined. I will not question. I will simply follow. I was looking for you all along as well. I thank God every day I found you. I thank God every day for you!
Someday soon both of these hearts will be free and when mine is, it will fly straight to you!!
For now we will soothe our hearts with beauty and love and music, the kind that exists in love like ours. It is far deeper than the surface though some call me gushy, they have no idea I am speaking to you, to that place I belong. What we speak to one another is like a winged prayer, one heart's whisper to another. Do you hear me calling to you? Even now? I am following the stars and the one light that always shines the biggest and the brightest. I will follow that light for the rest of my life, my beautiful North star.
So my love, we have reached an understanding. Your heart for mine...in time, all in time.
ALWAYS and FOREVER,
♥Nan
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