The Long Nights Ahead

Tonight has been very long for me. It isn't that it has been bad or that anything terrible has happened, it is just that when the light shines in your life, it is difficult to face the coming morning of darkness. It is a joy to me to wake up now in the morning and spend what time I can with you. I look forward to it! I cherish it. Friday coming, well let's just say, weekends aren't my favorite. I miss you, I guess that is what it all comes down to. but i will wrap myself in dreams tonight and hold you close. Sunday will be the hardest for me...the anticipation will kill me, but oh, come Monday, I have no doubt my smile would light the night sky...just because you are here in this little place with me again. I love you so much Glenn...it isn't even possible to describe. I too am going crazy - losing sleep, wishing and wanting, tossing and turning, crying inside for so many reasons, turning it all over and over in my mind, and following my heart. I understand all about seeing the reflection...you are everywhere. Here and not here and that is the most difficult part...to have you so close but too far to touch, too far to begin, too far to say I'm falling please catch me. I opened up the door and it all came tumbling out and there is no going back to silence, to holding it inside, but you can't catch me --- you can only love me from afar. We can only wait and pray to God we don't run out of time. I have done it for years, but suddenly the wait seems unbearable...because you are here, right here and I am fully aware of what is standing in front of me, of the promise, of the truth, of you. I can't get you off my mind. I can't somehow get you out of my heart. I never have been able to do that and I never have wanted to. I don't want to lose it...I don't want to lose you. Not now, not ever. I just...want you. I know you feel the way I do. We feel so much but it is as if we are locked inside some prison and we must break free before we can be. I want these chains off of me. I don't want my life to pass by without having held the love of my life in my arms and built the life with that man I have spent my whole life dreaming about. Nothing worth having is easy they say and I know they are right. You are definitely worth having and in no shape, fashion, or form is this easy. Just know that I will hold you close every second of every day in my heart until the day comes that I can hold you, with no barriers and no screens, for life. Goodnight my love...
I am always and forever, Yours,
♥Nan

Well, this long torturous Saturday is coming to an end. Finally! I think is quite honestly the first time in my life I have ever looked so forward to a Monday. I hope your weekend has been a great deal less tormented than mine, though I suspect if it has been less, it is only the tiniest bit so. I have made it through though, one minute at a time. The clock must be tired now of my constant attention.
Tonight is a lovely night and I have spent the better part of the day thinking about the night, nights long ago spent with you and how the rest of the world seemed to fade away and the only thing that mattered was being by your side in the dark. I was never scared of the dark when you were beside me. You know that old combine was my favorite place in the world. There are very few people on earth that ever shared that place with me...you are the only man that ever did, save one. That place was my hideaway, my escape, my sanctuary. It was only natural that I would share it with you, as you shared everything in me. When my grandfather passed away my grandmother sold off everything, including that combine. The loss of that was nearly as devastating to me as the loss of that great man. Everyone laughed and ignored me when I pleaded with them all to let me buy it. "where would you put that old thing? what would you do with it Nannie, drive it?" they would ask in a mocking, teasing way way that made me cringe and want to cry at the same time. I would have put it wherever I was, so it could sit there in the night like a monument to regret waiting for you to join me there beneath the stars again.  Funny, but sometimes I look for combines, old ones, broke ones, I don't care...just one I can put in my yard somewhere, so I can climb up on top, lay back and remember that love really does exist...it exists for you and me, even after all these years. It does you know? It does exist and it matters. There is a chapter, in my life, that has been waiting to be written for 25 years and I intend fully to write it. It is without a doubt the best part of this book. Just so you know, I have thought about you every minute of this day and I miss you. I can't wait for Monday. For now though, I am going to try again to sleep.
♥Nan

It is early in the day and I am writing you, fighting the urge to stare endlessly at the clock. What a long day it has been. I slept a little last night which is an improvement I suppose. At least I don't feel quite so much like the walking dead now. I look forward to tomorrow and a little hello. I have tried to keep my words to a minimum this weekend because I didn't want you to come back to an abundance of words you had to work your way through. I'd much rather have conversation with you as we can.
Other than lack of sleep and the terrible ache of missing you, I feel wonderful. It has been a most exceptional gift for me to have found you again, to share with you all of our hearts and heartaches. It is a comfort to me to know that you and I are on this journey together and that the end of this long walk alone will someday greet us. 25 years is a very long time to walk alone in the wilds. I hope someday to share the night with you, the night in my heart. To bathe in the stars with you beside me. To take it all in and thank God for the moment, in silence and with hands joined. Side by side. I'd like to go somewhere with you. I don't know where, I just know I want you to be there with me. I want to experience you again. I want to experience "us" again. I rejoice in what we have right now. I take heart from your words and find that there is a light that shines in you....right into my soul. How can I get you off my mind? I don't believe I can. I worry for you. Worry that what is happening here between us might bring you pain because I know what kind of man you are. In loving me, there is a little or a lot of guilt. I hope there is no regret. I wish there was no guilt, we simply are what we have always been and there could be no changing it, even if we had wanted to. You cannot blame your heart for what it feels. You aren't in control. Someone bigger than both of us knows what He is doing. If there were not a reason for us to be together like this right now, we would not be. I accept that fully. I trust in that fully. I am thankful for it with every fiber of my being. I don't know where God is leading us, but I do believe every step we have taken from our yesterday to today has been a step to lead us here. To you and me, to finding our rest of the story, to peace. I will not diverge from this path. I couldn't even if I tried. My heart has always led to you and it always will. You were never meant to remain a question of what might have been. The answers are coming...I feel it. I hear it. This screaming cannot be denied. You will NOT be denied. I rejoice and the world rejoices with me, what a gift you are. Neither of us want to throw away what we have in one another. Neither of us want to step off this path. Neither of us want to turn our backs on what is coming.
Oh I long for Monday. Will it ever get here. I miss you!
Will be back maybe tonight to write again, but if I am not, you will be with me every second as you have been all the days til this.
Always and Forever
♥Nan