Many Rivers To Cross

I never thought of any of our communications getting back to her. This would be bad. Very bad. Feel free to come to the park and watch, from a distance, of course. I just don't think I can handle seeing you just yet. I do feel as if my heart is walking a tightrope and I'm afraid that seeing you would make me loose what little control I do have. It would make me feel good to know that you were there. I think I would be able to tell. I Hope your weekend is good and know that I will be thinking of you.
♥Glenn

Hello love. How are you this evening? I am ... here. Struggling as much as I was last night! You see, I heard it clearly in your message...the panic, the fear, the turning and I cannot bear it. I took what steps I could to vanish off your page, hoping it would ease your mind, but it was hard to do...to erase all those things that came from my heart to you. Still, I can't get your last message out of my mind. It is truly haunting me. It haunts me perhaps more than you did night after night these past few weeks. It is something I did NOT want to do...but I have. I have and I can see it. I have never felt so cold...or so sad. I am so sorry now that I ever came back into your picture, I have made you suffer, I have made you scared, I have made you worry. I have done these things, though you must believe I never meant to. I never wanted you to be hurt or to regret even for a moment that I was here...right now. That hurts me more deeply than anything, thinking and seeing that I have done that. I don't know what to do. This huge part of me is saying I need to disappear...vanish into thin air as they say and then you can get back to your life without me in the way! I fear you will look now at me as a source of panic and worry rather than a comfort. I cannot do that to you. On the other hand there is this part of me, that cannot bear to walk away from you...to turn away and slip into the darkness again. I cried a thousand tears last night and I will cry a thousand more because I am so terribly confused. I want what is best for you and it is looking like I am very far from that in your life. I wonder can my heart bear it? I wonder can yours? Can you so easily forget all that has been said here? I can't and maybe I am wrong, but I don't think you can either. Would it hurt you more to have me gone or to have me stay? You haven't asked me to stay so I cannot help but to think I should go, now, before it gets any harder to do so! Have I blinded myself to everything? Am I so lost I can't see what is real and what isn't? I believe all the things you have said. I also believe you love your wife and because you love your wife, I can be nothing more than a shadow. And because I Love You, I am okay with being that...or at least, I try to be. I now understand why I felt so scared when I wrote that long letter and why I felt like I was saying I love you for the first time, not knowing if you would say it back. it turned into fear for you...and now, you will spend the weekend worrying what might happen next. I wonder if you will be sad to see me erased from your wall or relieved? I would not and won't blame you if you feel relief. You live a different life and have a chance for happiness with the one you have. I should have never let all those feelings come out...I should have said hello and kept my heart closed...I am soooo sorry! Must go now, I just cannot think anymore. Will write more later...but know this, if you need to say goodbye...I will understand.
♥Nan

Well hello. Yeah, it is me again. I am thinking I am close to losing my marbles completely. If you see some of them rolling around around somewhere, please hang onto them for me. I am as nervous as a cat in a pitbull pen and that's pretty nervous!! I am terribly afraid of what tomorrow is going to bring. I am so afraid, after a long weekend of nervousness. fear, panic and such, you will decide you don't want to hang on to me. Maybe you will tell me letting go is the better choice for you. I don't want that to happen. I believe too much that this all happened for a reason...but maybe you can't let yourself believe that. Part of me thinks I know how you feel, but then part of me is so confused. I know you care so much for me. I don't believe you want to lose me...not now, not again. We have been apart for so long...so very, very long. I cannot imagine parting from you now. I will be taking Belle to town tomorrow for dance but will be back tomorrow afternoon. I hope to hear from you if you aren't too busy. I can imagine after having to take a day off you will have extra work to do. If you don't have the chance, I'll be here whenever you do. You can freely post to my wall. I will not post at all to your wall any longer. If you still want to communicate with me, I will just send you emails or post things on my own wall. I so hope this will alleviate some of your worry. Oh, love, I must sleep now. Thinking of you as always.
♥Nan

What is in our hearts is a voice that will not be silenced...it is undeniably there. It is in mine in such a way, I cannot turn my face from you. I will stand here, on the sideline for as long as I must, but I will not pretend I have no feeling at all. I can be very careful not to express it to you, so you don't have to feel the sting of it. However, after all that has been said, I don't think even my control on expression can take it all out of your heart. We can deny ourselves one another, we can try to deny the importance or the impact of the other, but we cannot undo those words we have expressed. I have heard it clearly as have you. I believe I know something of your heart and of your feelings. I feel very certain you know mine. I cannot make my ears not hear, or my eyes not see, or my heart not feel. I cannot deny you. EVER! If you asked me tomorrow if I love you despite all the circumstances surrounding us I would answer a resounding Yes! I do, I always have, I always will. If you asked me tomorrow to stay despite these circumstances and to ride out the rest of this roller coaster ride, I would without hesitation. It is hard. It is not going to take work. It is going to take patience and understanding. It is going to take love, real honest to goodness love and I have that for you. So if you wonder if I have the strength to endure this, yes I do. If you wonder if I could stand next to you tomorrow and smile in silence and have to walk away, then the answer is Yes! Absolutely. Some things in life are worth waiting for. Some things in life when they are real involve loving someone more than yourself. Some things in life are hard and painful yet at the same time oh so worth it. I do not regret having found you again. I do not regret the fact that you are committed to that woman for the duration. I refuse to have any regrets at the end of my life. I will not let you be one. I will stand here and play the hand I am dealt. I know what I am in for. I understand there may come a day, perhaps tomorrow, when you choose to let me go. I understand fully because loving you right now is a risk. It just so happens that You are a risk I will always be willing to take. I don't know if anything I just said made sense at all, but it is all I know to say. It is all I know to do. Now all I can do is wait and see where your heart leads you. I love you GHC all the way to Heaven. Goodnight!
♥Nan

Very sad to see your beautiful posts removed. Do not apologize for anything. No regrets!!! Your words may be erased from my wall, but never from my heart.
♥Glenn

Hello love,
Sorry I didn't have time to write you yesterday. I want you to know how sorry I am for causing you pain and stress these past few days. That is the last thing on earth that I would want. I'm so screwed up right now I don't know which which way is up or down. I know that I love her, as you you already know and I will see our time together to the end, whenever that may be. I love you as well Nannie and I don't want to lose you all over again. We have been through too much already. I do believe there is a reason our paths have crossed again. There is a greater power at work here. I can feel it as I'm sure you can as well. I still believe it's all about timing, but what do I know? I know that when I saw that you had deleted everything from my wall I very nearly broke down in tears. So very sad. Just know that I will always be here, in this forum for now, till the time is right. I will wait another 25 years if need be, although I feel it wont be long.  Get to feeling better soon!! Once again, I'm sorry for any sorrow I have brought you. Know that I'll be right here, where the heart is.
Yours
♥Glenn