Hanging By A Moment

My beloved:
(Yes you, that is what you are and always have been...so that is what I will call you.)
I am late in getting this to you tonight because I just stopped talking to my cousin. I needed something to grab onto so I talked to her until my head calmed my heart. This letter won't be even half of everything I wanted to say but it will come...it has to come. I cannot keep it in. I will tell you this, as I promised her I would...Shari said to tell you...THANK YOU for making me see beauty again and giving me my smile back. Shari was with me the day your mother told me I couldn't see you because you were getting married that day. She was the one who took me to your house so I could tell you goodbye and that I'd be there if the day ever came that you and she were no more, she was the one that tried in vain to soothe my broken heart.............she remembers all too well what you mean to me. She has heard it all again and again these 25 years.
You know, long ago, you and I had something together...it was brief and absolutely wrought with pain and well, a few too many mistakes at least on my part...but that time we had is what I cherish above all things. Even then, I think we both knew that this was no ordinary, "going to find this again someday," kind of love. When you wrote that letter to me after I made the biggest mistake of my life and told me you didn't care if it was ten years from then, you would always love me and you'd always want me back...I knew, without question you meant it. When I told you, I'd be there forever, waiting, just in case you ever were no longer married, I meant it too! I think you know that was an absolute truth. It was so hard for me those first years of your marriage.
You will never know how many times I drove by your house just praying for a glimpse of you. Even when you moved over by HEB, I still drove by your house. You will never know how many times I bawled driving home from driving by your house because I missed you so much! God I missed you. All these years, I have missed you...something has always been missing. When my friend, Johnny, hooked up with your wife's friend, Stacey, he'd actually see you at your house and he would come tell me about it. Even he knew how much I loved/love you. I definitely must not forget your Dad, "Daddy C," he was a regular at the shop, and he was my most direct link to you. He used to tell me, Sandy is going to be at such and such this weekend, you should call, go see, whatever the case was...and you will never know how badly I wanted to do just that. A big part of me though, didn't want to be in your way. You were trying to make this life, raise this child and it wasn't my life anymore. It wouldn't have been right. I wanted to though, I won't lie. I would have gladly stepped into her shoes any day, any hour, any second if given the chance to do so. I would have gladly drop-kicked her off the side of the planet if it meant I could be with you...but I loved you too much. You were just trying to do the right thing. I know that had I not been such an idiot, none of it would have ever happened. None of it. But then, if none of it had ever happened you wouldn't have your son or your precious grand-babies and I wouldn't have the four children who own my heart.
I will say though that I truly believe that the course of life is being directed by Someone far greater than myself and He knows what needs to happen and when. For me, our time together all those years ago was just the tip of the iceberg, just enough to teach us, just enough to make us remember, just enough to bring us to that later day when the time would be right. There is no doubt in my mind, and there never has been, that you and I were meant to be far more than we have been and I have always believed that would happen...one day. It might happen when I am 80 years old, but I will tell you honestly, there is no one I'd rather spend the end of my days with. I found a button last night that describes what I am saying perfectly about time, the right time...I think I sent it to you today, not sure because I sent a few but it says...
Sometimes you just need a second chance because time wasn't ready for the first one.
I have always felt that about us and quite frankly, as I said, I still do. I have always believed we would have a second chance...I just don't know when. A love like this is not destined to just fall away. It can't...our hearts won't let it. One day, our hearts are going to call to one another and we are not going to be able to deny them anymore. We have been doing that for well over twenty years. We can't do it forever. I don't know about you, but I fully suspect you believe this too.
I want to tell you I am sorry for being the foolish young girl I was. I want to tell you I am sorry I hurt you. I want to tell you that it was you all along, that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I want to tell you how I would have taken it all back if I could have. I want to tell you that I loved you more than I ever imagined was possible. I want to tell you many things...but more than that, Glenn, I want to show you. I believe that there will come a day when I do just that...but first we will have to overcome the fear that has kept us apart, that has kept our ears and eyes closed...hoping that by keeping them closed we might muffle the call of our hearts. First we will have to look into each others eyes, face-to-face, and not have to drive away because there is something else that binds us. When that day comes, I do not believe we will part. I say that because of those times these past 25 years that we have seen one another, that we have looked in each others eyes and have had to pry ourselves away because duty called elsewhere. Were it not for that, well...you know. Even when you were married to her, when I would get up enough nerve to wait for you so I could say hello...you eyes said it all...and all these years, every time I have seen you, they say the same thing.
I will never forget that night I came to the apartment to see you...you had a friend over and you told him, see that girl right there, she broke my heart. I wanted to die in that moment because I know I did and I know I deserved your saying that to me...but you also didn't know, you didn't know so much. You never saw the me after you or all the ways I hurt for you and longed for you or how hard it was for me to let go just enough to try at least to live a little. It took a long long time for me to do that. Years! And even now, looking back I cannot say I have lived much. I have breathed, I have laughed, I have cried, I have opened myself at least partially to some...but no one has ever made me feel what you did and do. I just cannot ever love that way again. See, Glenn, you took that half of my heart I gave you and you kept it...all these years you kept it locked away and you have guarded it like a miser guards his riches. I kept half of your heart too. But then you know that already.
There is something magical about us...it is the kind of love people write songs and poems about. There is something like lightning that arcs between us and pulls us together. There always has been. Shari asked tonight about when I found you last year, the bar-b-que and all that and why I thought I was so emotionally charged, hanging by a thread now. It is simple, really. This.time.is......DIFFERENT!!!! There were things in our life then and time was not yet where it needed to be. But now... You feel it. I feel it. It is drawing us, pulling us, screaming at us and we cannot break away from it. I don't want to. In fact, I won't. I will free fall into whatever it is and let it carry me wherever it is going to. I don't know what that path leads to...but one simple request led me to you and this moment and these days and I am so completely loving every second of it...even when it hurts so much I don't know how to bear it. I do know I will do everything in my power to make sure we don't lose contact again. All those times I didn't know where or how to find you killed me and believe me love I searched. I would search and search until I found you. I have never stopped searching for you. I just always wanted to know where you were. I had to know where you were. In the darkness, behind the scenes of your life, I have always been there and if you were hidden it was as momentary as I could make it. Crazy or is it? I didn't stand in your light, I loved you from a distance and waited.
♥Nan

I feel the same way Nan. Couldn't sleep again last night. There IS something powerful at work here, always has been. I feel just like that nervous, shy little boy on the corner of Pioneer and N 10th st so many years ago. It seems that all roads lead to us, and I've always felt that we would be together again someday. I still feel it. I don't know what the future holds, but I am willing to wait and see. What I do know is that I have always loved you and still do. Have to go for now, more later.
Always,
Glenn

"There are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one’s cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore."
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)
What we share, you and I, is far beyond all of that, in the end, it makes no difference. I too have my own life but it is not anywhere near what yours is. My life is but a horrible nightmare I am attempting to wake from. I live in a world of darkness and fear. But that is my cross to bear, my fight to fight. It is quite like I told Shari last night...you are here in my life right now and all this is happening for a reason...but I will never bring you into my nightmare. I will never allow it. I will bear my burden until I am free of it. What you have today in the life that is yours does not and cannot change my heart. My heart will always be yours...no matter what, no matter who, no matter...it just IS! I too feel quite like that young girl that day seeing you for the first time...or better yet, I feel that pounding in my heart. that electricity, that knowing just as I did the very first time we kissed. It is VERY powerful. You said it better than any word I have ever written... ALL ROADS do indeed LEAD TO US! We just have to wait until that end of the journey when our roads converge and we have that beginning we have been waiting all these years for. I will go on waiting for that moment, just as you will because we both KNOW the future holds you and me...maybe tomorrow, maybe ten years down the road...but knowing you are there at the other end is all that matters and it makes it all so worth the wait. When our hearts demand it from us, we will not be able to turn away. I am caught now, mesmerized, holding my breath because something is happening and there is no stopping it, the beginning of the beginning perhaps? Something is very different this time...something is not going to let this slip away. ( Thank you God!) Can you hear it scream at you the way I hear it? (PAY ATTENTION! LOOK! CAN'T YOU SEE? IT IS RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE!!! I URGE YOU! NOW!) I love you Glen Henry and you are here, right now and that is all that matters
♥Nan

I do hear and FEEL it!! I can't sleep, I can't work, I can barely breathe.
Waiting...
♥Glenn