Patience

Hello LOVE! How are you? I am writing and thinking and thinking and writing. You are on my mind, of course I would not expect this to be of any surprise to you. I enjoy hearing from you and certainly there are those times when I am dying to talk to you and must do something I am not good at...being patient and waiting for the time to come when we can talk, when you can write to me whatever lies within your heart and mind to share with me. Your words bring me such happiness, you have no idea truly how beautiful and bright they make my world. It is hard for me, as I said...patience is NOT my strong suit, but I am getting better at it. I will never ask you to give more than you can...I honestly believe you give your all and then some! It is not unnoticed or unappreciated.
I think in your own way you let me know that my fading into the background is not what you want. I hope you understand I do not want to do that...but I will not hurt you for anything in the world. I cannot bear to think that there might come a day when my being in your life brings you pain. I try not to worry but, as I said, I do not want you to be hurt because of me. I would never in a million years cause you harm intentionally! I do hope you know that and understand why I feel concerned. In the past I have brought you pain. I will never do that again. Do not let me be in the way in your life. If I am, let me disappear into the background and there you will find me waiting. If I am not in the way, then PLEASE, hold onto me and NEVER let me go and someday, when you are ready, make your way back into these open arms if you find me to your liking.
What if, LOVE, when you look in my eyes...or see me standing at a distance, your heart no longer beats for me as it once did. I am not the same girl I once was. I am not young, or skinny, and I have been wounded so much in life...I am a little fearful and closed. Trusting for me is not easy anymore. I am a lot darker somehow, inside. I suspect you already see that and anticipate it. In my heart I know for me, seeing you...will cause my heart to trip all over itself just like it always has.
I will never forget that day the kids and I were driving to the Mall to meet mother and you were playing golf at Cal Young. When I drove down the road, I saw you...I saw you and very nearly wrecked, well actually I almost came to a complete stop in the middle of the street and there was a car coming up behind me quite fast. I just started crying. You never even noticed I was there. You were talking to a couple of guys. I have not driven by that park since without looking for you! Mother actually works right down from the park at the Water Warehouse, so I drive by often! I haven't seen you there since then, but I cannot make myself NOT look for you! I know what will happen with me and inside me when I see you again, especially if I am as close to you as I have been in past years. Sitting near you, laughing with you, talking to you...it has not EVER been easy to be so close to you and keep myself and all that enormous feeling contained. It will be even more difficult now...but for your own sake, I will find a way to do just that. I will not allow my presence or my feeling to be a thing that hurts you! I will put on my mask and I will not say all those things in my heart because it would only hurt you to hear them with me so very close to you when you cannot allow yourself to experience those feelings or to voice them yourself. You will know just by looking at me.
Do you remember when we ran into one another at Slick's? You were playing pool and I was there with Brent, the big kids' dad? We met at the Pizza Inn a few days later...and you brought me home. Do you know, when I had to get out of your truck and go in the house...I was more than a little tempted not to go in the house. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted to jump in the truck and run away forever with you. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, walking away from you that night. All those times I have seen you since, I have only wanted to do one thing...never have to leave. All I have been waiting for is for you to one time, just one time...ask me to stay. I would, I would stay and never leave. Someday, before my heart breaks completely, PLEASE, ask me to stay! Please want me to stay, please need me to stay...I am waiting for that day!
Since we met, I have had but one dream always in the back of my mind, that one day we'd have that fairytale, get married, live forever together, have kids, the white picket fence, I actually always imagined us in Mom's house, you playing the violin... the whole shebang! Of course, we are old now...you don't play anymore, Mother's house is ash, we had kids with different people, we've never even lived under the same roof...but even now, I still have that dream in my mind...the dream of life with you. It has been with me for years and to tell you the truth, I believe, it always will be! You are as essential to me as breathing! I just don't want you to forevermore be a dream. Somehow, I feel nervous about saying these things to you...because you have not expressed such things to me and I guess a part of me is scared, scared like I am saying I love you for the very first time and the whole time I am wondering if you will say it back. Silly isn't it to feel such things at 41. For some reason, I wrote to you I was 42, I guess I forgot how old I am. I will be 42 before long though, but shhhhh don't tell. Most people don't believe me when I tell them I am that old anyway...oh! but I believe it. Funny how you bring out that nervous young girl in me. I forget she even exists until I am near you!
You didn't tell me love if you would like me to see you some day at the park...someday from afar. I would like to see you, despite how it would hurt. I think it would make me happier than it would hurt me and any tears I cried would be tears of joy! I am afraid though. So afraid, you won't still love me when you see me. Yes, you have seen my pictures...but in person, what if, what if you feel nothing. Can I still make your heart beat out of your chest Glenn? Can I still make you feel breathless? Can I still? I want to! I want to do all that and more...but...well, you know better than I, why I cannot! So you must tell me if seeing me is a thing that will be ok for you. I would not speak to you and no one but you would even know I exist...oh but I would see you and you would see me and WE would know!
Goodness, this is a long letter and it is early yet! I should go, I know I should. You may not even have time to read this much less respond to it...but I wanted to speak to you, (I have missed you greatly these past two weeks) I needed to speak to you. In the end though, I guess the only thing I want you to know from all this is that I love you Glenn and I ALWAYS have! I ALWAYS will! Sleep well my love. I will be here waiting for you, everlong!
♥Nan