Tonight I cannot think...I am so tired, the rain is coming down and I hear the drops tapping on my window...I wonder are you hearing them too, are you thinking of me? They skies are crying for me tonight because I miss you. I miss you and it winds me up inside like a jack in the box. I miss it all, Glenn. I miss every single thing (except the goodbye part...I don't ever want to endure that part again) every little thing about you. Oh how I wish you were here, listening to this rain with me. For some reason this night reminded me of the night we were lying together on the floor in my bedroom, listening to Foreigner on my stereo. It was so intense between us (I honestly think we could have set the room on fire) the emotions were strong and I felt every breath you made, every beat of your heart and I held you so close and I wish I could have that again, just you and me and a dark night but this time without the momma to come in the room and tell us we had better get up and turn on the lights. How I'd love to listen to the storm outside with you in my arms. My arms remain empty tonight but in my mind I hold you close and I relive those moments when everything between us was a fire and that warms me...but still I miss you. I looked for you before 5 but yours was a day quite like mine. Today was such a rush but I knew there were things I was going to have to make myself do and if I allowed myself to linger for too long at once, those things wouldn't get done because I wouldn't be able to tear myself away. I didn't want to. I just wanted to be with you here...just to share with you, laugh with you, talk with you...tell you again and again all those things that have been inside for all these years. Funny how I could never say these things til now and now I can't keep them in. I can't make my heart be quiet. And though I find myself a little afraid, I still cannot quiet the screams of my heart or that something that is whirling me around and twisting me all up, making me listen... and look... and Jump. I jumped right off the edge...free falling... and I don't want to stop...not until you catch me, not until we catch each other. It once was a thing I had the slightest bit of control over. It isn't anymore. It has grown and grows still into something that is bigger than anything I can control. I think it is a bit bigger than anything you can control too. (At least we are falling into each other. At least we are losing that tiny bit of control together.) It has always been such a fragile control anyway. There were so very many nights I have seen you and spent time with you over the years that I thought I would lose it, that it would slip away and I would fall apart right then and lay my heart at your feet but somehow I held on. Now, my heart is at your feet...beating and bleeding and I am glad for it. It never belonged to me anyway, not since the day I met you. It has always been yours and now it is Home. You are Home to me. You are that place where everything fits, where the world makes sense, where I can move mountains, where I can smile! You are that place I am safe, you are the only place I have ever and will ever belong. Even all the nightmares of my life fall to the ground when I stand in your light. You are my North Star Glenn, you always have been. I keep listening to Hanging By A Moment tonight and the line that gets me every time is the one I wrote to you earlier: "I'm falling even more in love with you." To my mind that seems impossible, but my heart just laughs because it knows the truth. There is an infinite amount of love in me for you. It has been on pause, unable to grow and flourish because for too long it had to be denied, held back, kept silent but now this flower has come into the sunshine and with every word, with every minute, it grows. I am, in fact, falling even more in love with you. Is that a bad thing to love someone so much as I do you? Is it a bad thing to be willing to sacrifice it all for the right thing?
"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart."
You are the place where I belong, where I have always belonged and the only place in the world I want to be or have ever in all truth wanted to be. you are the right thing.
I am going to lay down now because i need to sleep. Somehow, I have to sleep. I don't think I will but I have to try...I want to leave you with this...
Can't stop thinking of you, feels like I'm losing my mind. I see your reflection in everything around me. I'm even quoting video game commercials. Last night my thoughts were of two kids laying atop a combine I believe it was, looking up at the stars. Content just to be together. No words needed to be spoken. Just the two of them and the stars. Oblivious of all else. That is my fondest memory. I miss that feeling. That feeling that everything is as it should be and nothing else in the world matters. This is not our time. It will be someday, of that I am certain. I will wait. Wait patiently for our time. For you my love endures. Friday is a short day for me and I must leave soon, as much as I wold like to stay. It will be a long weekend without your words to comfort me, but know this, my love, my thoughts and dreams will be of you. I will not say goodbye, for I no longer believe in goodbye.
♥Glenn
My heart breaks thinking of the long weekend before me but when you return, I will be here waiting and, as ever, I am yours. I don't much love short days either...but when Monday comes again, there will be glory! Your writing those words, took me back to that place and that moment and I will have much to write about it over the weekend. This is our time Glenn, it is always our time...it is just a matter of our being able to make it fall into place. I too will wait. FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS... I will so miss you but the return will be worth the wait. I too hope you have a good weekend. You will be with me every moment ...
♥Nan
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